remind yourself

to love yourself.

“Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragement, and impossibilities: It is this, that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak”

Thomas Carlyle  some days get us.  we compare ourselves, we judge ourselves, we find ourselves less than.  F&^% that S&$^ ! persevere in the things you love and love the things/people around you.  time is too short.  (dear broken heart - it's okay.  you are who you are...  and at the very least the universe will be your lover in all lives)

directness

i love it when people are direct.  love it when the truth flows easily - and i recognize that as a gift.  it is not a right, but privilege that is shared with us.

   meisner allowed me into his home, and made room for me.  i understand that now.  i also understand that he wanted me to observe more keenly.  be more open and alive to the truths of this existence and how are is truly there to enlighten the human condition.
   what i am increasingly becoming more aware of is how rare honesty is.  how rare true willingness to invest is.  how rare love is.  and HOW FORTUNATE am i to have those things in my life.  the last two years have blessed me.  i ready to let go of more in order to obtain more new.  let go of ego and take in and give more to those around me.

*
what to do when truth is not offered to you...  move on.  be grateful to the universe that you have the capacity to understand it and move on.  life is too short for anything other than unreasonably awesome.

thank you universe to reminding me that.

*sighing

we hope that there is a purpose and meaning.
and i do believe that there is a purpose and meaning and i also hope.

in the pursuit of *something* i find myself sighing and asking the universe:
if this was your intent, then why didn't it ...  but then i think:
be grateful for the feeling.  you are alive to feel it, and know it.   so, then begins the conversation with self:
you are not a "failed heterosexual" as you once joked around being....  you are capable, intelligent, loving, beautiful and ...  the universe f&^%ed up, not you.  and then, it kind of didn't.  you needed to remember what it was like to abandon yourself in the thought of another.  how did that feel?  "awesome"
how are you now?  "still awesome"
okay, so what did you loose?  "nothing really..."
so, what's the problem?  "there isn't any really....  just....  you know?"
yeah.  i know.

*

today one of my dearest of friends got married.  i can't even begin to describe the joy my heart felt.  the love that flowed forth.  the family that just glowed before us all.....  always in my heart and prayers they will be.  so grateful to be a part of their lives.

*

how strangely fragile and resilient we are...  how hopeful and promising...  sometimes letting go is the best we can do.  sometimes letting go is all we can do.

*

find gratitude in every moment.  start with one a day.

at first

i didn't even see him at first - i just heard his voice.  how hollywood....  then i saw him.
him.
there is a peace about him.
it makes me calmer.  it makes me blush. 
i do believe in "love at first sight" - but i do not think it is a physical sighting.
souls converse and recognize each other and if we are listening we understand and love is translated into fast heart beats and widened pupils and attentiveness and ....  wow.
i need 7 magical numbers and then one word:  hi.
followed by another a string of words:  i would love to know you.
followed by ... yes.
and there i am... jello.  at first, and now determined.  it didn't happen tonight - but i will find his number or email or whatever (if i have to make smoke signals i will)....  love knows only patience.  (okay - fine... it's not LOVE yet, but it's amazing whatever it is).

anything that adds to happiness - bring it. 

so universe, how about hooking this girl up.
thanks.

oh - and i got new head shots...  here's an example:

schedules and list

i have schedules now and lists.

who knew it would get to this - but it has.

the next two weeks are going to be crazy, but i am super duper excited about it all....  ALL.

landed a project for wed.  two auditions thursday.  three studio sessions this week.  a photo shoot saturday and tuesday (next week) a reshoot that i have no idea how and when is going to happen - but it must.  a short film viewing.  a kick off meeting (fingers crosses)....  there's more, but i'm gonna stop now.

i love my life.  love it.  i also love that in a couple of weeks i'll be with four of my most favorite people ever! 

on my list for this week:
laugh more
love more
remember my strength
find gratitude
find forgiveness
find courage
be!

secret

are you terrified by love?  the power it wields?  the promise it holds?  the secrets it breathes into the hearts of all that want it...

i want it, but it terrifies me.  i am so very scared of having my heart broken again, but at the same time i willing place my heart on its alter.  same that mix of joy and fear.

only through confronting our fears will we defeat them.
only through leaping into the field of faith will certainty be anointed upon us.

from best friends, to favorites, to ...  lovers, spouses, to....  everything shade inbetween - be open to love and all that it holds. 

there is nothing organic about love.  i know... i know...  the masses will call me lame and confused and mechanical....  but check this:

archaic : instrumental

a : of, relating to, or arising in a bodily organ b : affecting the structure of the organism

a (1) : of, relating to, or derived from living organisms <organic evolution> (2) : of, relating to, yielding, or involving the use of food produced with the use of feed or fertilizer of plant or animal origin without employment of chemically formulated fertilizers, growth stimulants, antibiotics, or pesticides <organic farming> <organic produce> b (1) : of, relating to, or containing carbon compounds (2) : relating to, being, or dealt with by a branch of chemistry concerned with the carbon compounds of living beings and most other carbon compounds

a : forming an integral element of a whole : fundamental organic parts of the action — Francis Fergusson> b : having systematic coordination of parts : organized organic whole> c : having the characteristics of an organism : developing in the manner of a living plant or animal organic>

: of, relating to, or constituting the law by which a government or organization exists

— or·gan·i·cal·ly\-ni-k(ə-)lē\ adverb

— or·ga·nic·i·ty\ˌȯr-gə-ˈni-sə-tē\ noun

See organic defined for English-language learners »

Examples of ORGANIC

1. He thinks of the city not as a collection of different neighborhoods but as an organic whole.
2. This neighborhood is an organic part of the city.

the city planner in me laughs at this - we learned very early on that city's are not organic - in that the body and nature has a rhyme and reason, but for cities WE determine the rhyme and reason and that changes from generation to generation - whereas nature in its divine mystery doesn't really need our advice, rational, or explanation.

so this makes me wonder - do we want organic development in relationships because we fear taking on the responsibility of planting our choices and reaping the results of our actions.  PLEASE DO NOT GET ME WRONG - i same it ALL the time, but now i am asking myself what it means.  what does it mean?  love survives after death - how is that organic?  love builds up civilizations and causes wars; love brings elation and devastation...  what is organic about that?

i think...  i am thinking too much. 

i am profoundly happy and that happiness is creating great forces to move around me and challenge me and make me feel profoundly uncomfortable - because is it fair for one person to be THIS happy???

so...  i suppose the question is this:  why am i afraid of love?  i was afraid of happiness, and now i embrace it with its full force... 

so universe: help me cross this bridge. 

just a matter of point:

sometimes happiness hits you like a train and you need to let the pieces fall where they may, and move forward with what is left of you....

and sometimes it takes a while for the train to tget there....  but it will :o)

inspired:

patience

the last thing we remember is usually the memory and not the event.  someone this concept blows my mind.  it frees things up and makes it easy to move on from the past and create new.  it redefines the power of our perception and dare i say neglect to percieve.

with this in mind i am making efforts to be patient with myself.  not allow myself to fall prey to the past or perceptions of where i "aught" to be.  indeed it unsettles me that at the moment i do not have a permanent employment (but something that pays the bills), that i am not in a committed relationship (and since i do not believe in booty calls - really, no relationship) and that while i am profoundly happy, i feel like i should not dwell in it dare i challenge the universe for having too much as it is.

screw it - i am happy.  with no "real job" i am happy.   i would LOVE to share the love i have developed, but i am not going to force it or game it....  if it is my lot to be single then i shall learn to accept my lot....  and if it (happiness) is mine for the taking - then i'm going to graciously receive it.

sometimes it all hits you like a train.  the collision warms the world.  that's what i want - to warm the world.