i love 'the sound of music' - a lot. i have the interviews done the cast and crew, and listen to them every now and again. i listen to the sound track to feel uplifted. one of my favorites is "favorite things" and while simple in concept - it works. remember your favorite things and life seems lighter (qualification - i'm at a place in life where it works, but there was a time that the only things that helped were meds and sleep - so all things being relative...)
so right now - i a totally blessed with being with one of my favorite people. not just favorite, but family and ... i don't know - words do not really encapsulate it. there are a few people in my life were i can just be with - stupid in my processes and they still love me. sure, they get annoyed, but they're not going to bounce because of it. mar is one of those people that finds the gem in you and focuses on that. how - i have yet to figure out (i would love to have this ability). she also is one of the few people i trust. damn - that lady earned it (and made it seem effortless). and trust me when i say i am a complete dork and should by all accounts be lumped up with the comic book guy from the simpsons or ned flanders .... and they may be cooler too... but all the same i got this person in my corner. i thank God for it too. like literally. so - here were are, in her state... and i am profoundly chill and happy :o)
also - happiness. it is an awesome thing. laughter is an awesome thing.... i'm taking a new approach to mine (and my version of it). i'm approaching it like a 12 step program (which means when i get home i got to look into what that means exactly) - approaching it they way one would sobriety. because, for me - it is. depression, sadness, anxiety, unworthiness, low esteem blah blah blah were my drugs of choice - so i need to protect myself from it. guard my growth and this happiness. i serve best in this state, and if i am to honor my hopes of making the world a better place, in wanting to enlighten the human condition - i MUST be at my best. done. i'm going to do this. galvanization is not an easy process - but an awesome one. game on.
RE love - love for the sake of it self is liberating. loving with expectation is painful. i am working on the first... because love is also one of my favorite things and i always want to appreciate it, and not resent it.
RE marriage and marriage announcements. a friend of mine is getting married and has been keeping it quiet (number 23423523545 why i love this gurl)... on the flip side others make a big f*&king deal about it. each to their own. i think for me i am utilizing my time and energy to get things done until that time comes for me (if/when it does). we under appreciate how love works, how marriage and committed relationships work, how marriage and parenthood do change everything - and if they don't for you = be worried. when/if that time comes for me - i think the only people who will know are those that are invited to the wedding (a very small handful of people - future husband, accept this now). trust me when i say i will be EXPLODING with joy at the prospect of being with my cowboy, but it's for me and not to prove anything to anyone else. i've settle in with this. settled in with love for love and not for impression or expectation.
i'm really blessed - i know this.
i'm really learning - this makes me happy.
i know some people think that this is the happiest i have ever been, but in my gut and in my heart i know that this is still a part of the dark before the dawn. i am still at the cusp of it, and it might still all fall apart - and with this knowing i am more aware. for that i am grateful. for a lot of things i am grateful (all of it in fact).
thank you God.
thank you Universe.
and thank you for the existence of cowboys. :o)
so right now - i a totally blessed with being with one of my favorite people. not just favorite, but family and ... i don't know - words do not really encapsulate it. there are a few people in my life were i can just be with - stupid in my processes and they still love me. sure, they get annoyed, but they're not going to bounce because of it. mar is one of those people that finds the gem in you and focuses on that. how - i have yet to figure out (i would love to have this ability). she also is one of the few people i trust. damn - that lady earned it (and made it seem effortless). and trust me when i say i am a complete dork and should by all accounts be lumped up with the comic book guy from the simpsons or ned flanders .... and they may be cooler too... but all the same i got this person in my corner. i thank God for it too. like literally. so - here were are, in her state... and i am profoundly chill and happy :o)
also - happiness. it is an awesome thing. laughter is an awesome thing.... i'm taking a new approach to mine (and my version of it). i'm approaching it like a 12 step program (which means when i get home i got to look into what that means exactly) - approaching it they way one would sobriety. because, for me - it is. depression, sadness, anxiety, unworthiness, low esteem blah blah blah were my drugs of choice - so i need to protect myself from it. guard my growth and this happiness. i serve best in this state, and if i am to honor my hopes of making the world a better place, in wanting to enlighten the human condition - i MUST be at my best. done. i'm going to do this. galvanization is not an easy process - but an awesome one. game on.
RE love - love for the sake of it self is liberating. loving with expectation is painful. i am working on the first... because love is also one of my favorite things and i always want to appreciate it, and not resent it.
RE marriage and marriage announcements. a friend of mine is getting married and has been keeping it quiet (number 23423523545 why i love this gurl)... on the flip side others make a big f*&king deal about it. each to their own. i think for me i am utilizing my time and energy to get things done until that time comes for me (if/when it does). we under appreciate how love works, how marriage and committed relationships work, how marriage and parenthood do change everything - and if they don't for you = be worried. when/if that time comes for me - i think the only people who will know are those that are invited to the wedding (a very small handful of people - future husband, accept this now). trust me when i say i will be EXPLODING with joy at the prospect of being with my cowboy, but it's for me and not to prove anything to anyone else. i've settle in with this. settled in with love for love and not for impression or expectation.
i'm really blessed - i know this.
i'm really learning - this makes me happy.
i know some people think that this is the happiest i have ever been, but in my gut and in my heart i know that this is still a part of the dark before the dawn. i am still at the cusp of it, and it might still all fall apart - and with this knowing i am more aware. for that i am grateful. for a lot of things i am grateful (all of it in fact).
thank you God.
thank you Universe.
and thank you for the existence of cowboys. :o)
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