ask yourself: why.

tonight, i am going to ask myself a very sensitive question.  one that i have been avoiding for years.  i hope she is patient with and understands why i am asking....  it's time for me to know and listen, learn and help her become something new.  so before i fall asleep, i will ask her gently:  why do you carry in you a broken heart.  it flows, it beats, it provides as much as it can, it sings and it prays...  but why is it still broken.  when will it become?  when will she give herself permission to be loved and to love fully in return.  why is she so afraid?  because some days that fear is crippling.  (i don't have time to slow down or be crippled.  i also can not feel any more hurt - my body really can not stand it...) * please note dear reader, i am FULLY happy, but i also am profoundly aware that this is just the tip of the ice burg in term of HOW happy i can be.  so why not dive deep into the happiness? *
i had a dream once where i came upon a young man and he was playing an instrument.  the wood was charred.  the pegs bent.  but he played that instrument so beautifully.  i was memorized.  he noticed me there and said:  "she is so beautiful, but can you imagine what she would sound like whole?"  and then he continued to play.  this is how i feel in a way.  beautiful, but not quite whole.
tonight i will ask him, i will ask myself...:  why?