today is the last day of the cleanse, and all i can say is: the last two days have filled me with some of my strongest of memories. random ones. no placement but foretelling and shadowing and bright and hopeful.
*the first one that flooded me was a memory of an evening when i was in grad school. it was about 11:45pm. third level study and danny and i were cranking out a paper. we were truly a writing team. he'd do the research, i'd analyze. i'd write the paper and he'd edit. anyhow - around 11:45pm i got a phone call. i answered and the voice over the line was so broken even he reached. you were sick. the flu. you'd been sick for a couple of days, but since we were not in the habit of communicating much i didn't know. you woke up from a dream that startled you. it was about me. you dreamt you came to my apt and tried the key and it didn't work (because you did have the key in real life). you knocked but no one answered. you saw a mutual friend walking by and asked where i was and she said that i had moved - did you forget? no. i never told you about me moving. you were heartbroken, you woke up and called me. you voice barely audible... i made danny wrap things up and come with me to get some supplies for you. he stayed for some of it and i did the rest. the next morning i got you fresh oj and showed up at your dorm with a duffel full of stuff.... i didn't know then how truthful that dream would be. how i did end up moving away from you, when you weren't paying attention, and didn't tell you. that's how it was supposed to be. and is. and you still have that duffel bag.
*i remember falling asleep on your bed i don't know how many times, after walking up to your place around midnight, or one, sometimes like a normal person around 7 or something.... some nights you'd read to me - from ....why can't i remember the name of the book now?... but just a few weeks ago we found a used version and you asked me if i had read it. i smiled. (no, you read it to me). our memories are just a flicker of everything between the past, now and forever....
*you gave me one of my top 10 memories from a place that just filled my with nightmares....it wasn't quite a date. i'm not sure what it was. it was safe, and warm and wonderful. i knew i was in trouble when we went back to your place and you put in a GOD awful movie and i asked wtf... you said that it's nap time and we need something to fall asleep to, then wake up and do something real. in every memory with you, i smile.
*rat bastard. seriously....every flashback - even the nasty ones are funny to me. how we laugh over the miseries of life; my biggest wish for you: happiness. i cant think of just one, they all flow into each other... suffice to say: you broke me down RE sushi. thanks. i am in your debt.
i used to dream of pre-boarding flights or trains or just on my way somewhere. i feel like that again. i've lived enough to know that excitement needs to be ebbed and preparation placed in the forefront. i just wish i knew what i had to prepare for.
life is good.
the blessing abundant.
time to focus and re-center into gratitude.
all love,
m
*the first one that flooded me was a memory of an evening when i was in grad school. it was about 11:45pm. third level study and danny and i were cranking out a paper. we were truly a writing team. he'd do the research, i'd analyze. i'd write the paper and he'd edit. anyhow - around 11:45pm i got a phone call. i answered and the voice over the line was so broken even he reached. you were sick. the flu. you'd been sick for a couple of days, but since we were not in the habit of communicating much i didn't know. you woke up from a dream that startled you. it was about me. you dreamt you came to my apt and tried the key and it didn't work (because you did have the key in real life). you knocked but no one answered. you saw a mutual friend walking by and asked where i was and she said that i had moved - did you forget? no. i never told you about me moving. you were heartbroken, you woke up and called me. you voice barely audible... i made danny wrap things up and come with me to get some supplies for you. he stayed for some of it and i did the rest. the next morning i got you fresh oj and showed up at your dorm with a duffel full of stuff.... i didn't know then how truthful that dream would be. how i did end up moving away from you, when you weren't paying attention, and didn't tell you. that's how it was supposed to be. and is. and you still have that duffel bag.
*i remember falling asleep on your bed i don't know how many times, after walking up to your place around midnight, or one, sometimes like a normal person around 7 or something.... some nights you'd read to me - from ....why can't i remember the name of the book now?... but just a few weeks ago we found a used version and you asked me if i had read it. i smiled. (no, you read it to me). our memories are just a flicker of everything between the past, now and forever....
*you gave me one of my top 10 memories from a place that just filled my with nightmares....it wasn't quite a date. i'm not sure what it was. it was safe, and warm and wonderful. i knew i was in trouble when we went back to your place and you put in a GOD awful movie and i asked wtf... you said that it's nap time and we need something to fall asleep to, then wake up and do something real. in every memory with you, i smile.
*rat bastard. seriously....every flashback - even the nasty ones are funny to me. how we laugh over the miseries of life; my biggest wish for you: happiness. i cant think of just one, they all flow into each other... suffice to say: you broke me down RE sushi. thanks. i am in your debt.
i used to dream of pre-boarding flights or trains or just on my way somewhere. i feel like that again. i've lived enough to know that excitement needs to be ebbed and preparation placed in the forefront. i just wish i knew what i had to prepare for.
life is good.
the blessing abundant.
time to focus and re-center into gratitude.
all love,
m
1 comments:
i love when memories rush back. amazing.
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