last night i had a fascinating realization about why i fear darkness (not like the energy or whatever, but ACTUAL darkness). i thought i got over it, but turns out: no. It's an understanding, more than anything else, a subtle nuance that separates fear from anxiety from excitement from genuine heart wrenching fear (welcome into my brain mar). i walked into a completely dark room. completely dark. there was no difference whether or not my eyes were open. so i closed them. remembered how i saw the room when it was lit. made my way to where i had to go. and in that moment i smiled. i don't fear shadows, i fear when there is no light. with no light there are no shadows. no reflections. no shapes, and no ability to discern.
this morning i took a walk - the shadows were clear and sharp and i just loved it. light is an amazing thing. the bigger the object, the bigger the shadow (and even the little things have big shadows) and in full light it stands in its own glory and the shadow is beneath the feet of it - a launching pad to the heavens. the truth of who we are is precise in that moment. we are souls tethered to this physical place, and we get cuaght up in the darkness and shadows and little details, when really we are these beautiful and big amazing objects being prepared for flight... and that's why darkness strikes a cord of fear: no because i can't see what else is in the space i am in, but because i can't see myself in relationship to it. (not in a selfish way, but in the honest way that we see. that lack of perception takes me places darker than even dark energy - because dark energy still functions in the ying-yang of the universe's design.
with this realization, i need to sit and meditate. find a way to be at peace with this fear. be at peace with knowing that there are plenty of things that i can't see. or, not capable of seeing.
and when i find that peace there is a sweet reckoning that when needed i can dive into it to be there for all of those who may find themselves there ( i hope ). because, what is the point of embodying light without sharing it (in a weird way spike comes to mind- referring to 1:08 and on - where his soul bursts and eliminates the dark under world... yes i was an avid buffy the vampire slayer watcher). no matter what - we were meant to launch into the heavens, and for me i want to carry as many with me as possible.
time to shake off the fear.
time to move forward.
this morning i took a walk - the shadows were clear and sharp and i just loved it. light is an amazing thing. the bigger the object, the bigger the shadow (and even the little things have big shadows) and in full light it stands in its own glory and the shadow is beneath the feet of it - a launching pad to the heavens. the truth of who we are is precise in that moment. we are souls tethered to this physical place, and we get cuaght up in the darkness and shadows and little details, when really we are these beautiful and big amazing objects being prepared for flight... and that's why darkness strikes a cord of fear: no because i can't see what else is in the space i am in, but because i can't see myself in relationship to it. (not in a selfish way, but in the honest way that we see. that lack of perception takes me places darker than even dark energy - because dark energy still functions in the ying-yang of the universe's design.
with this realization, i need to sit and meditate. find a way to be at peace with this fear. be at peace with knowing that there are plenty of things that i can't see. or, not capable of seeing.
and when i find that peace there is a sweet reckoning that when needed i can dive into it to be there for all of those who may find themselves there ( i hope ). because, what is the point of embodying light without sharing it (in a weird way spike comes to mind- referring to 1:08 and on - where his soul bursts and eliminates the dark under world... yes i was an avid buffy the vampire slayer watcher). no matter what - we were meant to launch into the heavens, and for me i want to carry as many with me as possible.
time to shake off the fear.
time to move forward.
1 comments:
so beautifully written, so candid and honest. loved it.
Post a Comment