i wrote this thinking of you (sabt) over a year ago....:
i'm sitting in the corner, plush sectional, quiet and this is where i want to be. i close my eyes and tell myself committed to memory (all but throwing out the 12 monkeys), and i hear the words in the background and remind myself that it must be time to come back to where you are. and then we blink, because if we don't we'll stop seeing. and then we sigh, because breathing is just not articulate enough.
i think i understand when you said that i couldn't do it right - breathing that is.
some things i CAN do right.
but no - it's not quite that is it? it's the depth, allowing our self to let go of all the things we're afraid to let go of, not quite sure if we'll fall apart if we do, but desperately hoping that something in us won't let us fall apart (maybe that's what they mean when they say "you gotta have tougher skin girl"), if we do. shallow breaths, afraid to exhale - and that's when you tell me don't let go too much, i need you here to feel.
my heart still beats, just a little more effortlessly.
my lungs breathe, just a little deeper.
my blood flows, just a little less noticeable.
don't be so detached that you're not here. (echoing)
it's just a saturday morning, take it easy my dear. we're just here for a minute and then we catch a train for somewhere else - will you meet me where ever we're getting to? i don't think i'd like it half as much if you're not gonna be with me. (just say you will, and really mean it)
shall we garden?
gardening, gardening, gardening, and then .....
nah - really - yeah, let's plant something.
*
i really do wish that when people say things, they would (even with half a heart) mean it. i find that even with all my complexities i all too easily fall prey to loving words that often amount to nothing. sad... because even with the dripping of little, it is better than nothing.
with this minor heart break my heart is flooded with an immense sense of gratitude for you (sabt). your fewness in words has always been met with an abundance of action. you are one of the few who, if never saying that you love me, i feel loved. thank you for letting my love reach you. thank you for letting me know you. eternally grateful for this.
i'm sitting in the corner, plush sectional, quiet and this is where i want to be. i close my eyes and tell myself committed to memory (all but throwing out the 12 monkeys), and i hear the words in the background and remind myself that it must be time to come back to where you are. and then we blink, because if we don't we'll stop seeing. and then we sigh, because breathing is just not articulate enough.
i think i understand when you said that i couldn't do it right - breathing that is.
some things i CAN do right.
but no - it's not quite that is it? it's the depth, allowing our self to let go of all the things we're afraid to let go of, not quite sure if we'll fall apart if we do, but desperately hoping that something in us won't let us fall apart (maybe that's what they mean when they say "you gotta have tougher skin girl"), if we do. shallow breaths, afraid to exhale - and that's when you tell me don't let go too much, i need you here to feel.
my heart still beats, just a little more effortlessly.
my lungs breathe, just a little deeper.
my blood flows, just a little less noticeable.
don't be so detached that you're not here. (echoing)
it's just a saturday morning, take it easy my dear. we're just here for a minute and then we catch a train for somewhere else - will you meet me where ever we're getting to? i don't think i'd like it half as much if you're not gonna be with me. (just say you will, and really mean it)
shall we garden?
gardening, gardening, gardening, and then .....
nah - really - yeah, let's plant something.
*
i really do wish that when people say things, they would (even with half a heart) mean it. i find that even with all my complexities i all too easily fall prey to loving words that often amount to nothing. sad... because even with the dripping of little, it is better than nothing.
with this minor heart break my heart is flooded with an immense sense of gratitude for you (sabt). your fewness in words has always been met with an abundance of action. you are one of the few who, if never saying that you love me, i feel loved. thank you for letting my love reach you. thank you for letting me know you. eternally grateful for this.
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