there are times when i feel profoundly overwhelmed and an old habit catches the best of me....
there are strings that still have a hold of me, and when i sharpen my scissors i will find them and cut them too.
recently i was faced with a longwinded state of anxiety. bordering on sadness, but not really that deep. then we lost electricity for about a week (which did not help the introspection). whilst in the midst of this, a friend asked me what it was that causes the anxiety and i have been able to pin in down to these overall themes:
1. lack of awesome income / 401k
2. lack of "love life" (aka: man/husband) and children
3. overall feeling of not fitting in with the world (while this may be vague, there are specifics i'd rather not get into).
then there are moments when i just don't care about the above three - when i am writing and acting i am simply suspending in a state of awe and joy. when i am engaged in a profound conversations of something that matters, that holds the potential to improve the states of humanity i am uplifted and want to bring as many as i may with me.
i no longer believe in karma, the golden rule or any of that ... (sorry if i have offended you, but i really do believe that life is significantly bigger than that - you do good because in your heart of hearts, it is what you want to do. not because of some motive of returns. you do it from love. you do it because you are driven by your soul - to share it's love and to bring comfort, joy, etc to those around you and beyond)
yeah - my life is a mess. but it is my mess.
i may not fit into any one's plan, and all my fears may come to pass - but tell you what : i will not stop loving, and i will not stop doing.
there are strings that still have a hold of me, and when i sharpen my scissors i will find them and cut them too.
recently i was faced with a longwinded state of anxiety. bordering on sadness, but not really that deep. then we lost electricity for about a week (which did not help the introspection). whilst in the midst of this, a friend asked me what it was that causes the anxiety and i have been able to pin in down to these overall themes:
1. lack of awesome income / 401k
2. lack of "love life" (aka: man/husband) and children
3. overall feeling of not fitting in with the world (while this may be vague, there are specifics i'd rather not get into).
then there are moments when i just don't care about the above three - when i am writing and acting i am simply suspending in a state of awe and joy. when i am engaged in a profound conversations of something that matters, that holds the potential to improve the states of humanity i am uplifted and want to bring as many as i may with me.
i no longer believe in karma, the golden rule or any of that ... (sorry if i have offended you, but i really do believe that life is significantly bigger than that - you do good because in your heart of hearts, it is what you want to do. not because of some motive of returns. you do it from love. you do it because you are driven by your soul - to share it's love and to bring comfort, joy, etc to those around you and beyond)
yeah - my life is a mess. but it is my mess.
i may not fit into any one's plan, and all my fears may come to pass - but tell you what : i will not stop loving, and i will not stop doing.
2 comments:
on my map of life, there's a whole continent, shaped roughly like a heart, with your name on it
<3
i am so proud of you for being so honest with yourself [and the world]. keep it up holmes. and prayers are being said at the Holy Spots. xoxo
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