heart(-beating to a different drum)

there are moments in between moments, and notes in between silences. we only need to pause and listen.

there is time in between time, and most of it we miss.

there is love in every atom, and nothingness in it as well. the differences are minor, and so we miss it - most of the time. and most of the time we are left without the memory of now (or then).

2011 left its mark. and i on it.

i don't make resolutions on new years - i make daily resolutions... but in this last week of 2011 - these songs played strong:

http://youtu.be/Va9uOHGZskg











my mother wishes for me love and happiness, my father wishes for me wealth and security...  i'm sure that my brother and sister wish me the same.  and i wish all of that for the world.  between these wishes there is the truth that the universe provides.  God, in all His Glory, provides - in a timely manner.  we can try to force it, but the seed needs time to germinate, needs the forces of nature to take their course.  and their course i have been on.

i prayed to be made into something new - and i am well on her way.  and though there are fears and scars that we all carry, we must not allow those lessers hold us back from the greater parts of ourselves.  so i will not allow myself to be held back by some past fear or scar.

so for this new year, i pray for all love, happiness, wealth (mostly in the form of spiritual and emotional) and security.  and laughter.

let us remember:  we belong to each.  make 2012 a year of growth, light, love, and happiness.

peace and blessings, and abundantly grateful - m

heart(s do not create lists - we do)

the heart does not limit, we do.  if anything, the heart finds ways of defying lists and thoughts and limitations and doubts and ....  all the crap that we use to define and judge existence.

the heart is the home of creator - and therefore limitless.

the heart does not create lists - the brain does.

and in this moment, i can hear a few translations of what my brain takes from feeling to thinking:

*  if the sky were falling, i would want to lay under it with you - like a sheet floating down to protect us.
*  yours is the hope i trust, only because i forgot the sound of mine
*  years go by, and yours are still the eyes that light mine up.
*  quiet - yes.  i, too, crave quiet.
*  missing is not a sign of love.  love is its own sign - i agree....

http://samimi-extremie-photography.tumblr.com/page/4

 

 

 

*
we're all a part of something.  we all fit into this world somehow. 
  thank you martin (via HUGO) for reminding me of that....  there are no extra parts in this divine machine of life.
 

heart(compass)

 

http://collaborativewriter.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/compass-old1.jpeg

i recently bruised my left knee deeply and painfully.  it's still a bit black and blue.  tonight i bruised my left forearm - not as bad.  a good friend (tonight) pointed out that in accordance to energy relations this is a manifestation of some trust and relationship issues.  bruised, longlasting....  at first i blew it off - i am now finding merit in it.  you can delete, but until you empty the trash - it's all still there.  with a spirit of joy, i am emptying the trash.  with a spirit of trust i am going to mend the thing i have hope in.
*
there is a couple i used to see about two or three times a week during lunch.  they were beautiful - painfully.  they have been married for over thirty years, and there shined a tenderness i can not explain.  a love so deep that it radiated around them.  it was beautiful.  when i saw them - i wanted that.  not something frivilous and fake - i wanted that enduring love.  committed love.  shining.  he passed away not too long ago and today i saw her walking - i wanted to hug her and thank her for showing me that in a marriage.  (my parents have been together for over 35 yrs, but it's something else when i can see something like that in strangers and recognize it).  i wanted to hug her, because of something deep in me was moved.  i didn't.  instead i prayed a little prayer.... 
*
we all have a compass inside us.  a sense of direction, a true north.  i love being reminded of mine.  love being able to stand up for what it means for me and to me.  i have a strange sensation that another filtering process is coming up in my life and i am more than okay with it.  i need to re-engage in the meanings of faith and on the eve of the celebration of Christ's birth i am reconfirming my faith in Baha'u'llah and my efforts towards the unity of the faiths of God.
my compass is love.  my compass is faith.  my compass is hope....
*
remove the fear from your life.  accept nothing less than awesome.  inspire those around you.  encourage those you speak with.  forgive. 

if you don't stand up for your relationships (any and all of them) - how will you show up?  how will they know.  love is about bridging the distance and creating new continents - it takes effort (while being effortless).  anything less is.....  less.
*
dear universe - thank you.
thank you.
thank you.

heart('s place)

http://www.aliceleach.com/index.aspx?wsid=1029&sectionid=1200847

my thoughts have been in more of a dream like state than full awareness - i suppose 11hr work days will do that to you...  work that your heart is not in, that is.
*
there's always something in the periphery, a shadow, a flicker of fairy wings, a statue, a face - like i am living in-between worlds, with no full home in either place.  i'd be worried, but my heart is still in my chest and that's the only home i need (for now).
*
i had a dream of you, and we were laughing - the way we laugh when we are happy...it was devious of us to defy the universe that way - but i have a sneaky feeling that is why we were created:  to discover new laws in physics that allow us to bend the universe to our will.
*
yours are the only hands i want to hold, but you are farther than any man in my life (and strangely/sadly only a twenty minute drive away).
*
yours are the only pockets i would ever feel comfortable slipping my hands into, to find the warmth of my own skin mirrored from your skin and that space in between our child like souls play - energizing the atoms and creating love unparallelled.  and, though your hands i have never held, it would be fair to say we have held together continents in that space...
*
trying to find deep breaths in world of short ones.  trying to remain constant in a world in fluctuation.  trying to find peace, love and joy in the deeps of myself (like an underground river - prestine).
*
i'll find my place - eventually... for here, and now, i am.  and all of me i will give to it.
*
blessing and love - m

heart(pace)

i my new profession - i made the mistake of asking a few people for help.  now - i am all about fording the way for myself.

i need to meditate, prepare, persistently pursue and get this.
what (you may ask)?
three things i want to get / get done in three months (okay - march 21st):
1.  get a manager.
2.  get an agent.
3.  get a better job.  (though if the first two are accomplished i will survive)
4.  get to feel 1000% (no that's not a typo - i mean it:  one thousand percent).
5.  share that 1000%.
6.  ...between me a God...
7. ....same as above......  etc, etc, etc.

life is too short - i need to constantly remind myself - there's no time to waste.

time to get back to health, focus and accomplish.

heart(strings)

there are times when i feel profoundly overwhelmed and an old habit catches the best of me....

there are strings that still have a hold of me, and when i sharpen my scissors i will find them and cut them too.

recently i was faced with a longwinded state of anxiety.  bordering on sadness, but not really that deep.  then we lost electricity for about a week (which did not help the introspection).  whilst in the midst of this, a friend asked me what it was that causes the anxiety and i have been able to pin in down to these overall themes:
1.  lack of awesome income / 401k
2.  lack of "love life" (aka: man/husband) and children
3.  overall feeling of not fitting in with the world (while this may be vague, there are specifics i'd rather not get into).

then there are moments when i just don't care about the above three - when i am writing and acting i am simply suspending in a state of awe and joy.  when i am engaged in a profound conversations of something that matters, that holds the potential to improve the states of humanity i am uplifted and want to bring as many as i may with me.

i no longer believe in karma, the golden rule or any of that ... (sorry if i have offended you, but i really do believe that life is significantly bigger than that - you do good because in your heart of hearts, it is what you want to do.  not because of some motive of returns.  you do it from love.  you do it because you are driven by your soul - to share it's love and to bring comfort, joy, etc to those around you and beyond)

yeah - my life is a mess.  but it is my mess.

i may not fit into any one's plan, and all my fears may come to pass - but tell you what :  i will not stop loving, and i will not stop doing.

heart(note)

"When one does not love too much, one does not love enough."
- Blaise Pascal

heart(melt)

"Have patience - wait, but do not sit idle; work while you are waiting; smile while you are wearied with monotony; be firm while everything around you is being shaken; be joyous while the ugly face of despair grins at you; speak aloud while the malevolent forces of the nether world try to crush your mind; be valiant and courageous while men all around you are cringing with fear and cowardice."  Abdul-Baha


yep.