heart('s translation, lost)

i am a little jealous of those that miss you....a little jealous of those that got to say goodbye, but this is the way you wanted it - this is the way the cosmos mapped it...  i think.

it's been over a week since a dear friend passed from this life and into the next and in the whirlwind that followed i am not sure if i have grieved or rested or woken up.  i am happy, in my own way.  i am at peace, in my own way...  now to face the truth that this circumstance has kicked up around me.  and you (where ever you may be).

you gifted us.  you honored us.  you struggled for so very long...my prayers and hopes are that you are in peace.

*
standing in front of her i shared with her a most scared truth to my heart:  i am so sorry that i am needy, it's just that i want (lacking the words) to be loved by you, and those that i love...  and i am so sorry that i....  
she interrupts me:  you are not needy.  asking to be loved is not needy, but ...  (i can no longer hear the words, because in that moment i find myself understanding and find myself understood.  i can ask for no more)
*

the service was beautiful.  your family was there.  we felt whole...  well, i did.   but you weren't there - and i kept thinking that you'd run in from the kitchen or your room (where we would sit and i would stare at your pillows, hoping you were feeling safe and loved)

i have cried some - but i am afraid to breathe it out.  i am simply afraid (as it turns out). 

*
i reach out, and the people who have reached back surprise me.  i can not deny the truths.  this time - if my heart breaks, it will be my own fault.
*
the longing to be "normal" is even stronger now, and my inability to reach it even more obvious...  i am not discourage, what i am is hopeful that who i am will be more than (insert some qualitative word here).

*
honor your loved ones.
make time for them.
make time for life and love and peace...  in the end we take only a few things with us when we die...  none of them material.