heart('s translation, lost)

i am a little jealous of those that miss you....a little jealous of those that got to say goodbye, but this is the way you wanted it - this is the way the cosmos mapped it...  i think.

it's been over a week since a dear friend passed from this life and into the next and in the whirlwind that followed i am not sure if i have grieved or rested or woken up.  i am happy, in my own way.  i am at peace, in my own way...  now to face the truth that this circumstance has kicked up around me.  and you (where ever you may be).

you gifted us.  you honored us.  you struggled for so very long...my prayers and hopes are that you are in peace.

*
standing in front of her i shared with her a most scared truth to my heart:  i am so sorry that i am needy, it's just that i want (lacking the words) to be loved by you, and those that i love...  and i am so sorry that i....  
she interrupts me:  you are not needy.  asking to be loved is not needy, but ...  (i can no longer hear the words, because in that moment i find myself understanding and find myself understood.  i can ask for no more)
*

the service was beautiful.  your family was there.  we felt whole...  well, i did.   but you weren't there - and i kept thinking that you'd run in from the kitchen or your room (where we would sit and i would stare at your pillows, hoping you were feeling safe and loved)

i have cried some - but i am afraid to breathe it out.  i am simply afraid (as it turns out). 

*
i reach out, and the people who have reached back surprise me.  i can not deny the truths.  this time - if my heart breaks, it will be my own fault.
*
the longing to be "normal" is even stronger now, and my inability to reach it even more obvious...  i am not discourage, what i am is hopeful that who i am will be more than (insert some qualitative word here).

*
honor your loved ones.
make time for them.
make time for life and love and peace...  in the end we take only a few things with us when we die...  none of them material.

heart (on pause)

a little bit speechless....  so - here are words that sound about right:


http://samimi-extremie.blogspot.com/2012/02/heres-to-longing-46.html

heart('s temperance)

*
before this morning i had a whole concept planned out of what i was going to write for this blog, but as we sat together huddle in the hall way tonight she said it best:  how do we plan for this?
*
you hold the fragments together just long enough for air to enter the lungs and exhale and then let them fall apart again - because that is what you do when you are helpless and grieving.
*
you hold a quiet and deep place in my heart and will always be there.  i look forward to seeing you again.  i look forward to your embrace...
*
all he wanted was simplicity.  he did not aspire fame or recognition, wealth or popularity.  he wanted something that he felt was so far away from him:  a room for himself (that he paid for himself), where he would write and write, and occasionally hang out...
(my world view has once again be shifted)

*

while so much of the world (and by world i think i mean western society) runs around for the next fix or trend or whatever trivial passing earthly veil - i ask this:  when was the last time you heard (actually listened without a prepared response) someone speak?  when was the last time you said i love you and gave a part of yourself in saying it?  when was the last time you smiled at someone because your being was compelled to do so?

our time is so fleeting - love.  be generous of yourself.  give to the world.  love the world.  love your loved ones and hug them tightly.  do not take them for-granted.  be honest.  be truthful.  be trustworthy.  love.  love.  love.  love so much so that when you touch it pours from your cells.  let your sorrow be turned into hope and that hope into love.  don't be afraid...  all there is is love and there is an abundance of it.

and while my heart is in a state of sorrow tonight (and may be for quite some time) - it rejoices in your peace.

God is merciful dear friend, and you are one of His angels.

peace and blessings to all,
all love...
m

heart(-filter)

upon watching a new fave tv show - a thought was sparked:

what if each person could meditate away a part of their-self that they didn't like?  what part would that be for you?  i'm not talking about 20lbs, or that crooked nose you think needs fixing - i mean the real stuff.  like a tendency to get overly sad OR get angry OR be overly bubbly ...  something like that.

there are so many filters that we create of ourselves so that people will see us in a light that is "best" of us (maybe for them).  we don't always know that we're doing it, sometimes so much so that when it is off we may confuse those around us - even ourselves. 

in my limited experience - having the gift of off-people and off-places is a saving grace.  people and places where i may just let the guards drop and be what i am in that moment.  unreserved.  and in those moments i find myself looking in that clear mirror of light and love and thinking:  i really want to adjust "this" and get rid of "that" and that's when (in those moments when i am really lucky) a calm hand rests over my heart and says:  just be.  you are perfect - flaws and all.  go on this journey and trust that you are becoming exactly what you were meant to be - and yes, pain is a part of the process.  it's okay.  just be, and know that you are loved.

so - maybe after you think about that or those things you'd like to get rid of or adapt, think this:
you are loved.

heart (-skips)

a couple of nights ago i dreamt my left foots got stung by a bee.  (note:  my left foot has been stung by a bee).  i dreamt the bee and i were conversing and i was not afraid and it went ahead and bit me and for a moment my muscles froze.  i was okay.  pain was less than the first experience but it was annoying all the same.  i woke up - still feeling whatever that may now be described as pain - only to giggle to myself:  only i would get twice on the left foot by a bee.

then i giggled thinking my sister would tell me that this has to do with some lesson i learned, then forgot and now was being reminded of.

point taken - imaginary conversations.

***

if we spend our moments trying to figure out the past or plan out the future we do loose a bit of the now.  if we spend our time doing something other than that which brings us joy (or some reflection of it) our soul may experience flights of fancy (i think).


***

dear bee,
i felt your little sting today, and it was a bit annoying.  and, like last time, it was due to my miscalculation.  sorry you had to die, but i guess i needed to be reminded.  --->>>  let us not expect more than what someone may offer and let us not ever image that, unless it is in clear terms, we are on the same page of the same book with anyone (even ourselves).  ours is to love with detachment, ours is love to love with encouragement, ours is to give without asking for in return, ours is to be and do more - because we are capable.

***

having learned my lesson - i need to remove this venom and find ever growing joy.  in that light:

 i was in seattle this last weekend, and a large bit of me was carrying in my heart a dear friend.  she, to me, personifies strength, love, loyalty and compassion (first adjectives that come to mind) and a whole heap of patience.  she made a pot of tea, when our friend and myself visited her, with some tea from this shop located in pikes market place...  it was good tea.  it was good company.  it is the stuff of good memories and foundations for amazing nows and future.

miss you - love you.

***
all love,
m

heart (...beats)