wear it another day

heart('s something that words can not express)

2012-01-24T22:59:00.000-08:00

maybe it is the change in vitamins, maybe something was actually said or done, maybe it is the not knowing or having, or something - but there are times when i do feel my heart/soul have taken a vacation from me. i feel the root happiness in my flowing, but it's like a frozen river - there is a barrier between me and that flowing water.

i'm good, minus this sensation. my decision is to keep moving. keep pressing. find my own clan of elephant dressed crew and rock out.

hoping the universe is treating you kindly and lovingly.
all,
m

heart('s echo)

2012-01-21T16:23:00.000-08:00

this song is painfully and wonderfully familiar... and my heart beats faster and slower when i hear it. always with a smile.

a note to my loved ones and team: we can burn brighter than the sun.

*
i want to say be careful who you share your heart with, but really... i want to say: LOVE. LOVE. and then love some more. fall apart. sing songs (happy and sad ones). raise toasts, and throw dirty looks. forgive. forgive. and then forgive some more (and often yourself). take photos, and be in them too. live. stand and run in the sun. breathe deeply and laugh.

carry people, and let them carry you. be young. be fruitful. be productive and keep your face to the sky and your feet on the ground. dream, but wake up to create a beautiful reality.

and, when you're heart does break (or get bruised): smile. you are living life! take a moment to heal, then jump right back in.

love to you all!,
m

heart (cuteness)

2012-01-17T21:45:00.000-08:00

my niece and i can have conversations now - and they are the most precious things ever.

some of my recent favorites:

niece: ameh, you're kind and messy.
me: oh, thank you sweetie.
niece: and you're kindof wonderful and pretty...

niece: ameh, i don't want to go to bed.
me: okay, would you like to sit with me?
niece: yes, i'm going to sit here with you and fall asleep.

niece: ameh, are you a mama?
me: not yet sweetie.
niece: why?
me: i have no babies. should i have babies?
niece: yes. you need to be a mama.
me: okay, i'll get on top of that.

seriously - how freaking cute is that?... my heart explodes!

heart (light)

2012-01-17T17:34:00.000-08:00

we all need to remember the beauty and sacredness of this world... this song helps me for sure.

in a quest to "enlighten the human condition" - i'm going to take it in for myself and take a healthy dose of light myself.

be good to yourselves, and to those around you.

all love,
m

heart (armored)

2012-01-14T10:32:00.000-08:00

stuck on this song again....

and then there is this that balances it out...

*
we live in a world filled with polarization, doubt and fear... i have made a commitment to not judge it, but offer as much love as i may and somehow leave a light mark.

after all - who runs the world?...

heart(is not always enough)

2012-01-09T19:51:00.000-08:00

it's not enough to have idea, do something.
it's not enough to have good intent, do something.
it's not enough to hope or plan: DO!
goals are great - but what are you doing?

this year is not the year of words and thoughts - make your mark and make it count.

heart(hunger-games)

2012-01-08T09:34:00.000-08:00

seriously... what do i have to do to go to the red carpet of this?
what?

heart(matters)

2012-01-06T16:19:00.001-08:00

it matters, it does.
what? what am i referring to?
the little things, the big things, the off the cuff comments and the things not said. hearts, minds and souls remember - where in the now we may think we forget - really the heart remembers.

so make it count.

heart(knows no distance)

2012-01-04T00:03:00.000-08:00

there is no better way for me to say it, so i find songs and meanings. i try to find ways to bridge the distance, only be reminded that you may not stay there long... so here i am with wood, nails, hammer, and splinters. (smile, let them only see you smile: "that's cool")

and when i feel the sun on my face i am so sweetly transported by the rays to a different kind of heart and inside a different kind of warmth and i open my hands (and though i hope yours are the ones that reach me) i will take whoever wants to go to that place of light - and this is how the pyramids were built.

heart(locks and keys)

2012-01-02T16:37:00.000-08:00

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
— C.S. Lewis

i had to think about this a bit...what to write. i'm not sure. there are times (as a friend of mine calls it, about me) that i am disassociated and removed. i seperate myself from my own space and people find it challenging to be in it with me at the same time. it is fair to say to those people, i feel this way about myself every now and again. strangely, social media propels this sensation of distance for me. (i am very tempted to just not log onto fb anymore...i'd delete it, but i'm still too social a creature to abandon it)

in a profound desire to connect, have we simply removed ourselves from humanity? isn't it about things being a bit messy, and painful; a bit cleansing, and a lot pleasurable?

for those that know me, and know me well - i like to work with my hands. i like putting things together and taking them apart. the abstract is harder for me to work in (not really, but when i know there is an outcome i work better at it). such that - and sorry if this story is redundant - back when i first started grad school i needed a computer desk but was being knit-picky. one afternoon my brother comes over with a truck he had just picked up from our parentals and behind it was a fully disassembled paralegal station. all the nuts and bolts were in a massive zip lock. i asked him what i was supposed to do with it, and his response: dad said you'd figure it out. i did, in three hours, or so, the desk was assembled - it was a beautiful beast. go back some years before that - my father comes home and throws me a set of keys: my own friggin car! i run down and it is a beautiful used old school civic hatchbatch, baby blue!, i'm in love. i get in it. it's a manual. i'd never driven a manual car. i go up and asked him if he'd teach me, and his response: you'll figure it out. i did, three days (stalling, some embarrassment and perhaps a minorly damaged transmission) later. is that the moral rule of my life: i'll figure it out?

humanity and relationships are not things to put together or take apart or figure out - per se. i'm not sure i'll figure this one out daddy - but tell you what: i will be prepared and open and provide all that i may, and prepared and open to receive as well... i do not prefer the sterile and safe social networks. give me them trusted few friends, my cowboy and my family and i'm good. (and with all i have now - i am great... and so grateful).

heart(maps)

2012-01-01T23:00:00.000-08:00

when i was young, i wanted to be an architect. after three and a half years of studying that, i changed my mind. the isolation got to me.

i took about a year off of school, studied english lit for a year, and then someone introduced me to city planning. i liked it. in one of my first intro classes we learned about cognitive mapping - that's when i fell in love.

place in terms of more than lines and demarcations. here now was a new way to translate the word - in terms that i more readily could understand. in that moment i found a home, a community of advocates and do gooders, politicians and ... a future. i loved the field so much that i got my MS in it as well. i really believe that it is a noble profession and holds immense value... i miss doing it.

when i started acting, i found another community i felt at home with. not to say that i do not feel at home at home, just that i find so much of my ability to communicate lost in translation(s).

very often i feel as though the world around me is speaking a language i didn't quite learn, like i am a foriegner speaking a language i understand maybe a third of and hence i find myself trying harder to fit in. belong. (i'm not a loner by any means, but again - not sure if what i am sharing makes sense) i tried to share this sensation with a friend tonight and fell short. in that moment i realized: it's okay. just breathe. just be. in being, maybe i will be understood and understand.

there are no maps to hearts, no real ways in or out. just a silent interchange. whether you believe in forever or not, whether you believe in constancy, consistency or longevity or not... i believe. turns out, i believe. my hope is: that will be enough. my hope is: i will be enough.

heart(-beating to a different drum)

2011-12-31T18:01:00.000-08:00

there are moments in between moments, and notes in between silences. we only need to pause and listen.

there is time in between time, and most of it we miss.

there is love in every atom, and nothingness in it as well. the differences are minor, and so we miss it - most of the time. and most of the time we are left without the memory of now (or then).

2011 left its mark. and i on it.

i don't make resolutions on new years - i make daily resolutions... but in this last week of 2011 - these songs played strong:

http://youtu.be/Va9uOHGZskg

my mother wishes for me love and happiness, my father wishes for me wealth and security... i'm sure that my brother and sister wish me the same. and i wish all of that for the world. between these wishes there is the truth that the universe provides. God, in all His Glory, provides - in a timely manner. we can try to force it, but the seed needs time to germinate, needs the forces of nature to take their course. and their course i have been on.

i prayed to be made into something new - and i am well on her way. and though there are fears and scars that we all carry, we must not allow those lessers hold us back from the greater parts of ourselves. so i will not allow myself to be held back by some past fear or scar.

so for this new year, i pray for all love, happiness, wealth (mostly in the form of spiritual and emotional) and security. and laughter.

let us remember: we belong to each. make 2012 a year of growth, light, love, and happiness.

peace and blessings, and abundantly grateful - m

heart(s do not create lists - we do)

2011-12-27T18:30:00.000-08:00

the heart does not limit, we do. if anything, the heart finds ways of defying lists and thoughts and limitations and doubts and .... all the crap that we use to define and judge existence.

the heart is the home of creator - and therefore limitless.

the heart does not create lists - the brain does.

and in this moment, i can hear a few translations of what my brain takes from feeling to thinking:

* if the sky were falling, i would want to lay under it with you - like a sheet floating down to protect us.
* yours is the hope i trust, only because i forgot the sound of mine
* years go by, and yours are still the eyes that light mine up.
* quiet - yes. i, too, crave quiet.
* missing is not a sign of love. love is its own sign - i agree....


http://samimi-extremie-photography.tumblr.com/page/4

*
we're all a part of something. we all fit into this world somehow.
thank you martin (via HUGO) for reminding me of that.... there are no extra parts in this divine machine of life.

heart(compass)

2011-12-24T21:54:00.000-08:00

http://collaborativewriter.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/compass-old1.jpeg

i recently bruised my left knee deeply and painfully. it's still a bit black and blue. tonight i bruised my left forearm - not as bad. a good friend (tonight) pointed out that in accordance to energy relations this is a manifestation of some trust and relationship issues. bruised, longlasting.... at first i blew it off - i am now finding merit in it. you can delete, but until you empty the trash - it's all still there. with a spirit of joy, i am emptying the trash. with a spirit of trust i am going to mend the thing i have hope in.
*
there is a couple i used to see about two or three times a week during lunch. they were beautiful - painfully. they have been married for over thirty years, and there shined a tenderness i can not explain. a love so deep that it radiated around them. it was beautiful. when i saw them - i wanted that. not something frivilous and fake - i wanted that enduring love. committed love. shining. he passed away not too long ago and today i saw her walking - i wanted to hug her and thank her for showing me that in a marriage. (my parents have been together for over 35 yrs, but it's something else when i can see something like that in strangers and recognize it). i wanted to hug her, because of something deep in me was moved. i didn't. instead i prayed a little prayer....
*
we all have a compass inside us. a sense of direction, a true north. i love being reminded of mine. love being able to stand up for what it means for me and to me. i have a strange sensation that another filtering process is coming up in my life and i am more than okay with it. i need to re-engage in the meanings of faith and on the eve of the celebration of Christ's birth i am reconfirming my faith in Baha'u'llah and my efforts towards the unity of the faiths of God.
my compass is love. my compass is faith. my compass is hope....
*
remove the fear from your life. accept nothing less than awesome. inspire those around you. encourage those you speak with. forgive.

if you don't stand up for your relationships (any and all of them) - how will you show up? how will they know. love is about bridging the distance and creating new continents - it takes effort (while being effortless). anything less is..... less.
*
dear universe - thank you.
thank you.
thank you.

heart('s place)

2011-12-21T15:57:00.000-08:00

http://www.aliceleach.com/index.aspx?wsid=1029&sectionid=1200847

my thoughts have been in more of a dream like state than full awareness - i suppose 11hr work days will do that to you... work that your heart is not in, that is.
*
there's always something in the periphery, a shadow, a flicker of fairy wings, a statue, a face - like i am living in-between worlds, with no full home in either place. i'd be worried, but my heart is still in my chest and that's the only home i need (for now).
*
i had a dream of you, and we were laughing - the way we laugh when we are happy...it was devious of us to defy the universe that way - but i have a sneaky feeling that is why we were created: to discover new laws in physics that allow us to bend the universe to our will.
*
yours are the only hands i want to hold, but you are farther than any man in my life (and strangely/sadly only a twenty minute drive away).
*
yours are the only pockets i would ever feel comfortable slipping my hands into, to find the warmth of my own skin mirrored from your skin and that space in between our child like souls play - energizing the atoms and creating love unparallelled. and, though your hands i have never held, it would be fair to say we have held together continents in that space...
*
trying to find deep breaths in world of short ones. trying to remain constant in a world in fluctuation. trying to find peace, love and joy in the deeps of myself (like an underground river - prestine).
*
i'll find my place - eventually... for here, and now, i am. and all of me i will give to it.
*
blessing and love - m

heart(pace)

2011-12-14T13:54:00.001-08:00

i my new profession - i made the mistake of asking a few people for help. now - i am all about fording the way for myself.

i need to meditate, prepare, persistently pursue and get this.
what (you may ask)?
three things i want to get / get done in three months (okay - march 21st):
1. get a manager.
2. get an agent.
3. get a better job. (though if the first two are accomplished i will survive)
4. get to feel 1000% (no that's not a typo - i mean it: one thousand percent).
5. share that 1000%.
6. ...between me a God...
7. ....same as above...... etc, etc, etc.

life is too short - i need to constantly remind myself - there's no time to waste.

time to get back to health, focus and accomplish.

heart(strings)

2011-12-11T19:09:00.000-08:00

there are times when i feel profoundly overwhelmed and an old habit catches the best of me....

there are strings that still have a hold of me, and when i sharpen my scissors i will find them and cut them too.

recently i was faced with a longwinded state of anxiety. bordering on sadness, but not really that deep. then we lost electricity for about a week (which did not help the introspection). whilst in the midst of this, a friend asked me what it was that causes the anxiety and i have been able to pin in down to these overall themes:
1. lack of awesome income / 401k
2. lack of "love life" (aka: man/husband) and children
3. overall feeling of not fitting in with the world (while this may be vague, there are specifics i'd rather not get into).

then there are moments when i just don't care about the above three - when i am writing and acting i am simply suspending in a state of awe and joy. when i am engaged in a profound conversations of something that matters, that holds the potential to improve the states of humanity i am uplifted and want to bring as many as i may with me.

i no longer believe in karma, the golden rule or any of that ... (sorry if i have offended you, but i really do believe that life is significantly bigger than that - you do good because in your heart of hearts, it is what you want to do. not because of some motive of returns. you do it from love. you do it because you are driven by your soul - to share it's love and to bring comfort, joy, etc to those around you and beyond)

yeah - my life is a mess. but it is my mess.

i may not fit into any one's plan, and all my fears may come to pass - but tell you what : i will not stop loving, and i will not stop doing.

heart(note)

2011-12-10T20:41:00.000-08:00

"When one does not love too much, one does not love enough."
- Blaise Pascal

heart(melt)

2011-12-03T20:18:00.000-08:00

"Have patience - wait, but do not sit idle; work while you are waiting; smile while you are wearied with monotony; be firm while everything around you is being shaken; be joyous while the ugly face of despair grins at you; speak aloud while the malevolent forces of the nether world try to crush your mind; be valiant and courageous while men all around you are cringing with fear and cowardice." Abdul-Baha

yep.

heart(felt)

2011-11-30T11:56:00.000-08:00

if i could make my heart explode and shimmer into the sun, i just might pray for it harder. if i could make my being burst into millions and millions of twinkles to light up the night sky, i just might pray for that harder. if i could make my heart to be woven into a blanket that would protect and warm, i would pray for it harder. if i could make my heart into something … something to show for, i would pray for that harder.

for now – i pray this affirmation: my heart is whole, my heart is abundant, my heart is giving, my heart is open… my heart is without the need of approval, validation or completion. it is perfectly as the universe wants it to be.

*

there are places where we all intersect. to me: if nature had an image for it, it would be this:

http://samimi-extremie-photography.tumblr.com

our souls are like that. if we are meant to intersect, we will. our hearts and mind need only catch up to what these souls already know (and have).

with that: all love,
m

in summation:

2011-11-23T19:43:00.001-08:00

“I never felt comfortable with myself, because I was never part of the majority. I always felt awkward and shy and on the outside of the momentum of my friends' lives.” ~ Steven Spielberg

semper fidelis

2011-11-22T20:15:00.000-08:00

i cracked a joke today (though really, a reflection of truth), and a friend responded with sincere love. i called her a marine. she didn't quite get that comment, but it made complete sense in my head.

i am not the easiest person to love, this is my perception. i am not the easiest person to get along with, again my perception. in me is a store-house of messiness, and there are the few in my life that do not shy from it, do not judge it, and they don't check out - in fact, there are those that somehow find their way in with a few words and heart beats and sit in the sunshine (or shadow) with(in) me. they are the few, the proud .... the marines (of my life).

*on a side note: i have always thought that if i were to join any of the military forces, the marines would be my first choice.*

i have been so blessed with an amazing life, i need to take more stock of that. while of late there have been mad challenges, and doubts, i do not doubt you: my marines.

*she then tells me that for it to be fair the doors have to be open to both houses. that reciprocity is real, and for things to be more real we have to overcome the fear and trust. ok, i'll try.*

**on a more random note: strange, that today, with no thought of the future, i have discovered that should i be blessed with marriage i know who i want my readers to be. the four of you will be the first to know....**

with a full and buried heart - warm with the light of the sun of love - thank you universe.

always loyal,
m

If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, "thank you," that would suffice.
~ Meister Eckhart

strange choices, detox and his version of poetry

2011-11-21T19:49:00.000-08:00

there's a part of me the wants to quietly slip away for a while and come back when i'm ready to be again. be what? the person people like to like more when i am the more me than the me me, or something like that. this is where i know who people are to me. the ones that just don't care so long as i show up. (because they know, i will show up). so then there is born the strange choice: in the next six weeks left in the year - i won't call, write or text anyone, unless in response to or required to. (but damn, that would be boring). so no. no strange choices for me.
*
detox got awful that last week. i thought about never doing it again, but then i realized: what if it's actually getting to where it needs to be? therefore: after thanksgiving i'm going to start a liver and lung cleanse: time to get rid of the cellular memory of pain, anger, sorrow, jealousy, blah blah blah.... the more of that stuff i get rid of, the more room i will have for love and therefore offer more.
*
he likes to write to me, but he needs a response. i've stopped responding. it's not fair to either one of us. this situation, any of it. so i am walking away from his version of poetry and into my very real life.

all love,
m

glittery

2011-11-20T23:11:00.000-08:00

today i found myself thinking about the golden rule, and if it really exists. i don't mean in concept, but in practice.

my whole life i have tried to live by it (failing often - or at least that is my perception on the matter). there are moments when i have been told that i do too much, give too much (of myself, things, efforts, etc), have had my motives or agenda "checked", have been told that my issues must be strong (though i'll give them that, they got it all wrong still), etc.

if we all know this rule - why is it so hard to believe/practice? i mean, i don't do anything that i do with the anticipation or expectation that it will be reciprocated, but for heaven's sake if the rule is:
do unto others as you would have them do unto you - WHY WOULDN'T you try or be... why not? why would we doubt the efforts of love, or hope, of faith, of sincerity? why would we fear it? why would we not offer it?

in these thoughts i grew frustrated - and began to doubt myself. what if i did an experiment of "doing unto others as they do for me"? what would that look like? what would that be like? a cold shutter ran through me - i could do this experiment, but what would it prove? after all, i did make a promise with the universe that i would respect this rule, and honor it as best i may.

my objective is to make myself a better person, by being of service to my family, my loved ones and even people i don't know. i find happiness within me, and by serving i share it. find it (happiness) by providing and giving i expand upon it, and by being trustworthy, by being reliable, by loving and not judging, by showing compassion and fidelity...by being myself and comfortable with it, and allowing the same for others - because it's just what i feel is right.

my world has not been (outside of my family and a handful of soul friendships) comprised of the golden rule, it's been mostly glittery. people have definitely not done unto me what i have for them (and this is not a judgement on capacity, but a simple observation. in as much as i have failed in some situations myself) - now it is time to let go of that and just do. be. give. and then do some more. let go of all thought of self and in that find a refinement of self.

does any of this make sense?, because it's all a bit muddy for me still.

i want to be whole so that i can make more people smile and shine (so powerfully from the inside that it glows outward).

all love,
m

no measure

2011-11-19T17:15:00.001-08:00

heart strings and brain games

2011-11-18T16:35:00.000-08:00

today is the last day of the cleanse, and all i can say is: the last two days have filled me with some of my strongest of memories. random ones. no placement but foretelling and shadowing and bright and hopeful.

*the first one that flooded me was a memory of an evening when i was in grad school. it was about 11:45pm. third level study and danny and i were cranking out a paper. we were truly a writing team. he'd do the research, i'd analyze. i'd write the paper and he'd edit. anyhow - around 11:45pm i got a phone call. i answered and the voice over the line was so broken even he reached. you were sick. the flu. you'd been sick for a couple of days, but since we were not in the habit of communicating much i didn't know. you woke up from a dream that startled you. it was about me. you dreamt you came to my apt and tried the key and it didn't work (because you did have the key in real life). you knocked but no one answered. you saw a mutual friend walking by and asked where i was and she said that i had moved - did you forget? no. i never told you about me moving. you were heartbroken, you woke up and called me. you voice barely audible... i made danny wrap things up and come with me to get some supplies for you. he stayed for some of it and i did the rest. the next morning i got you fresh oj and showed up at your dorm with a duffel full of stuff.... i didn't know then how truthful that dream would be. how i did end up moving away from you, when you weren't paying attention, and didn't tell you. that's how it was supposed to be. and is. and you still have that duffel bag.

*i remember falling asleep on your bed i don't know how many times, after walking up to your place around midnight, or one, sometimes like a normal person around 7 or something.... some nights you'd read to me - from ....why can't i remember the name of the book now?... but just a few weeks ago we found a used version and you asked me if i had read it. i smiled. (no, you read it to me). our memories are just a flicker of everything between the past, now and forever....

*you gave me one of my top 10 memories from a place that just filled my with nightmares....it wasn't quite a date. i'm not sure what it was. it was safe, and warm and wonderful. i knew i was in trouble when we went back to your place and you put in a GOD awful movie and i asked wtf... you said that it's nap time and we need something to fall asleep to, then wake up and do something real. in every memory with you, i smile.

*rat bastard. seriously....every flashback - even the nasty ones are funny to me. how we laugh over the miseries of life; my biggest wish for you: happiness. i cant think of just one, they all flow into each other... suffice to say: you broke me down RE sushi. thanks. i am in your debt.

i used to dream of pre-boarding flights or trains or just on my way somewhere. i feel like that again. i've lived enough to know that excitement needs to be ebbed and preparation placed in the forefront. i just wish i knew what i had to prepare for.

life is good.

the blessing abundant.

time to focus and re-center into gratitude.

all love,
m

purgatory

2011-11-17T00:33:00.000-08:00

any change you may indulge me in a moment of intimacy? well - here is goes:
i've been frustrated the last two and some weeks. i've done a fairly great job of covering it, but now it is starting to affect/effect me. i'm tired, so tired, but sleep does not come easy. i am happy, but it is deeply within. i love, but the bearer of that love is distant.

so many things feel far away. this adds to my frustration. the cycle repeats itself.

i don't check out, because that's what usually gets me into trouble, but then again: what good is the alternative trouble i may get into if i am present?

*today i realized that i don't have my non home safe place to go to. the last time i had that was when i lived in haifa. it was mar or q's room; or mandy's living room; or that corner in resa's place.... just to remember that i had that and those were the last places i felt so safe outside of myself - well i miss those people even more now.

we all need a place outside of our own space to feel safe enough to sleep. i need to find that here in la. get out of this purgatory.

*i have a tender heart - just, there are days when i really wish it had thicker skin. days when i wish it'd be easier to get the jokes and move on. days when ... well, it doesn't matter, now does it?

*dear universe. i know cowboys exist, and i know mine does too. you're just not playing fair and we both know it.

good night dear readers - hope you last two and some weeks were awesome!, and let's hope that it gets better for all of us!!!

and with that, you are welcome:

tomorrow: happy birthday sabt

2011-11-14T20:45:00.000-08:00

i wrote this thinking of you (sabt) over a year ago....:

i'm sitting in the corner, plush sectional, quiet and this is where i want to be. i close my eyes and tell myself committed to memory (all but throwing out the 12 monkeys), and i hear the words in the background and remind myself that it must be time to come back to where you are. and then we blink, because if we don't we'll stop seeing. and then we sigh, because breathing is just not articulate enough.

i think i understand when you said that i couldn't do it right - breathing that is.
some things i CAN do right.
but no - it's not quite that is it? it's the depth, allowing our self to let go of all the things we're afraid to let go of, not quite sure if we'll fall apart if we do, but desperately hoping that something in us won't let us fall apart (maybe that's what they mean when they say "you gotta have tougher skin girl"), if we do. shallow breaths, afraid to exhale - and that's when you tell me don't let go too much, i need you here to feel.

my heart still beats, just a little more effortlessly.
my lungs breathe, just a little deeper.
my blood flows, just a little less noticeable.

don't be so detached that you're not here. (echoing)

it's just a saturday morning, take it easy my dear. we're just here for a minute and then we catch a train for somewhere else - will you meet me where ever we're getting to? i don't think i'd like it half as much if you're not gonna be with me. (just say you will, and really mean it)

shall we garden?

gardening, gardening, gardening, and then .....

nah - really - yeah, let's plant something.

*

i really do wish that when people say things, they would (even with half a heart) mean it. i find that even with all my complexities i all too easily fall prey to loving words that often amount to nothing. sad... because even with the dripping of little, it is better than nothing.

with this minor heart break my heart is flooded with an immense sense of gratitude for you (sabt). your fewness in words has always been met with an abundance of action. you are one of the few who, if never saying that you love me, i feel loved. thank you for letting my love reach you. thank you for letting me know you. eternally grateful for this.

ask yourself: why.

2011-11-06T01:25:00.000-07:00

tonight, i am going to ask myself a very sensitive question. one that i have been avoiding for years. i hope she is patient with and understands why i am asking.... it's time for me to know and listen, learn and help her become something new. so before i fall asleep, i will ask her gently: why do you carry in you a broken heart. it flows, it beats, it provides as much as it can, it sings and it prays... but why is it still broken. when will it become? when will she give herself permission to be loved and to love fully in return. why is she so afraid? because some days that fear is crippling. (i don't have time to slow down or be crippled. i also can not feel any more hurt - my body really can not stand it...) * please note dear reader, i am FULLY happy, but i also am profoundly aware that this is just the tip of the ice burg in term of HOW happy i can be. so why not dive deep into the happiness? *
i had a dream once where i came upon a young man and he was playing an instrument. the wood was charred. the pegs bent. but he played that instrument so beautifully. i was memorized. he noticed me there and said: "she is so beautiful, but can you imagine what she would sound like whole?" and then he continued to play. this is how i feel in a way. beautiful, but not quite whole.
tonight i will ask him, i will ask myself...: why?

my fear of darkness

2011-11-05T07:55:00.000-07:00

last night i had a fascinating realization about why i fear darkness (not like the energy or whatever, but ACTUAL darkness). i thought i got over it, but turns out: no. It's an understanding, more than anything else, a subtle nuance that separates fear from anxiety from excitement from genuine heart wrenching fear (welcome into my brain mar). i walked into a completely dark room. completely dark. there was no difference whether or not my eyes were open. so i closed them. remembered how i saw the room when it was lit. made my way to where i had to go. and in that moment i smiled. i don't fear shadows, i fear when there is no light. with no light there are no shadows. no reflections. no shapes, and no ability to discern.
this morning i took a walk - the shadows were clear and sharp and i just loved it. light is an amazing thing. the bigger the object, the bigger the shadow (and even the little things have big shadows) and in full light it stands in its own glory and the shadow is beneath the feet of it - a launching pad to the heavens. the truth of who we are is precise in that moment. we are souls tethered to this physical place, and we get cuaght up in the darkness and shadows and little details, when really we are these beautiful and big amazing objects being prepared for flight... and that's why darkness strikes a cord of fear: no because i can't see what else is in the space i am in, but because i can't see myself in relationship to it. (not in a selfish way, but in the honest way that we see. that lack of perception takes me places darker than even dark energy - because dark energy still functions in the ying-yang of the universe's design.
with this realization, i need to sit and meditate. find a way to be at peace with this fear. be at peace with knowing that there are plenty of things that i can't see. or, not capable of seeing.
and when i find that peace there is a sweet reckoning that when needed i can dive into it to be there for all of those who may find themselves there ( i hope ). because, what is the point of embodying light without sharing it (in a weird way spike comes to mind- referring to 1:08 and on - where his soul bursts and eliminates the dark under world... yes i was an avid buffy the vampire slayer watcher). no matter what - we were meant to launch into the heavens, and for me i want to carry as many with me as possible.
time to shake off the fear.
time to move forward.

shadow play

2011-11-04T11:53:00.000-07:00

when i was young i was afraid of shadows.
when i was young i did not understand the fullness of light.
now there is a sweet awareness and i find that there is a profound beauty in them (shadows). it's not dark in and of itself -it is a minor reflection. i reminder that something is there. there is form and there is a filling and though sometimes we can not see what that "thing" actually is - we see it's marker.
there are parts of me that are certainly dark, and when confronted with it i do get a bit sick to my stomach. but, i also remind myself: no matter how dark, you can step into light. so that is now my objective - to always step into light. no feelings of darkness, guilt or shame - move forward with life and into light.

there is a truth that resonates strongly in me with this song. echos deeply. makes me smile and cry at the same time. my heart beats stronger knowing that there is a shared sense when it comes to the past and trying to start fresh.

you can never out run your shadow, but you can make it so that it is YOUR shadow and not an agglomeration of you and every issue and scar and all the madness heaped on us. you can never out run your shadow or fears... but IF you are ready for joy and happiness and growth and light, then embrace the fear and run towards it and the future. you can not out run it, no, but you can run into the light and truth and little by little you will become bigger than it. little by little you will become the you that God created you to be. little by little the fear will be replaced with certainty and joy. little by little the hypocrisies will become your truths and little by little your world will mirror the light that you are running towards.

at least this is what i am thinking now.

day inbetween days

2011-10-25T22:29:00.000-07:00

i live in (or around) los angeles.
i do not think i live in a bubble (as much as people may suppose); and, if we cut across it all i think most places are the same. if there are people there, that is.
i am cleansing - my body. not sure where it's at, but i feel pretty darn good. thinking i may do this at least once a year.
something about that makes me think: why not do that for my body or for my soul?
a part of that is for me to NOT compare my self to other selves. such a temptation. such an easy trap to fall into.... my big traps are:
   1. where is my 401k???
   2. where is my cowboy???
   3. where is my house on the prairie???, and babies filling the yard.

the a little bright voice responds to me: but, are you happy now?
my answer: yes.
i may not have the social conventions that would make my family and friends comfortable, but i am happy. (don't get me wrong: i get angry, sad and frustrated by myself and the three big questions above; but in it - at the core - i am happy).

where i am at now is a cleansing of emotions. i am in the days between days trying to understand myself better. for example: why do i feel are care so deeply? why is every detail important? why does it feel so hard, when in my gut i know it shouldn't be...

well, i am not about to try to answer these things - i'm just going to let it go. breathe it out and trust when i am ready i will understand and the next big questions will come along and a new set of frustrations with it.

for now - almost two weeks into this cleanse and i feel pretty darn good.

days 24 & 23

2011-10-21T00:26:00.001-07:00

i think...
counting backwards is harder for me than i thought.
so - head aches are better. food situation sorted out...
tomorrow i am self imposing an almond fast (i could live off of almonds).
feel a bit weak, it could be because of the detox still...

*

on another note - finished our pilot episode tonight. amazing experience. amazing.

days 26 and 25

2011-10-19T06:32:00.000-07:00

hi. sorry i was out. mostly because i was tired (and afc).

headaches are gone!, but joint aches and back pain kicked in. also a strange sensation of my skin tingling (and not in a pleasant way). but the clarity of thought = amazing.

this is working where i need it to. ie; last night i dreamt someone gave me three strands of licorice (ps - i LOVE licorice - particularly black) and i ate two and started to feel like junk in the dream... it hit me then in the dream: licorice candy often has sugar and wheat in it (more than the actual licorice root).

i'm sticking with this. i'm happy i decided to do this. i'm not thinking about throwing in a heart intensive workout plan so i can get my heart healthy too :)

day 27

2011-10-16T22:37:00.001-07:00

less of a headache today, but encroaching back ache and muscle soreness.

a few people have told me i'm crazy for doing this, but as one who has had her fair share of depression, meds, flu, food poisoning and blah blah blah - a cleanse is quite appealing (with its discomforts and all).

this is a good sign. i'm happy :)

day 28

2011-10-15T20:01:00.000-07:00

perpetual headache. considering hibernation.... detoxing is over-rating (but you know i'm not going to quit).

(sorry if i missed your call today or didn't respond to your sms - almost migraine level people....)

day 29

2011-10-14T18:53:00.000-07:00

still surviving.
head aches (caffeine withdrawals i imagine)
weak a bit - kind of like a cold.
not hungry.
very thirsty.
*i've heard that the first week is the hardest... okay. i'm going to do this. :)
today consisted of the cleanse, two 8 oz cups of lentil, carrot, onion and chicken soup, and a baked sweet potato, and some broccoli (considering some Irish cut oatmeal too)

also: i really miss mar and q. (but i am glad that they are not around this grumpy hot mess i am right now)

also: dear cowboy... it's not polite to make a lady wait

day 30

2011-10-13T21:10:00.000-07:00

noticed one major thing: headache.
that's about it and feeling tired -otherwise ok.
:)
today consisted of the cleanse, three 8 oz cups of lentil, carrot, onion and chicken soup, and a baked sweet potato.

bring on day two.

30 day cleanse post-poned one day

2011-10-11T21:37:00.000-07:00

i am starting a 30 day cleanse. i am beyond excited. i've been wanting to do one for a couple of years now... so... tomorrow i go to buy the things i need and start on thursday. i am going to start a diary re the thirty days...
but for RIGHT now - back to my newly found addiction: ncis-LA

breathe deep

2011-10-10T00:08:00.000-07:00

i love this. being.
yeah, it's cold; but: it is incredibly awesome (the nature and the friend).
seriously - i am one lucky dame.
i could wish certain people here, and i hope it's going well all around - but for me this is amazing.
the sites, sounds, the puppy, the air, the sky (dear LORD, the sky)... my friend - all of it is beautiful and warm. that's how i feel - warm.
so - i'm going to breathe deep and hold in as much of this air as i may. yes.
so so grateful am i for this, and this opportunity.
all love,
all...

favorite things

2011-10-08T10:58:00.000-07:00

i love 'the sound of music' - a lot. i have the interviews done the cast and crew, and listen to them every now and again. i listen to the sound track to feel uplifted. one of my favorites is "favorite things" and while simple in concept - it works. remember your favorite things and life seems lighter (qualification - i'm at a place in life where it works, but there was a time that the only things that helped were meds and sleep - so all things being relative...)

so right now - i a totally blessed with being with one of my favorite people. not just favorite, but family and ... i don't know - words do not really encapsulate it. there are a few people in my life were i can just be with - stupid in my processes and they still love me. sure, they get annoyed, but they're not going to bounce because of it. mar is one of those people that finds the gem in you and focuses on that. how - i have yet to figure out (i would love to have this ability). she also is one of the few people i trust. damn - that lady earned it (and made it seem effortless). and trust me when i say i am a complete dork and should by all accounts be lumped up with the comic book guy from the simpsons or ned flanders .... and they may be cooler too... but all the same i got this person in my corner. i thank God for it too. like literally. so - here were are, in her state... and i am profoundly chill and happy :o)

also - happiness. it is an awesome thing. laughter is an awesome thing.... i'm taking a new approach to mine (and my version of it). i'm approaching it like a 12 step program (which means when i get home i got to look into what that means exactly) - approaching it they way one would sobriety. because, for me - it is. depression, sadness, anxiety, unworthiness, low esteem blah blah blah were my drugs of choice - so i need to protect myself from it. guard my growth and this happiness. i serve best in this state, and if i am to honor my hopes of making the world a better place, in wanting to enlighten the human condition - i MUST be at my best. done. i'm going to do this. galvanization is not an easy process - but an awesome one. game on.

RE love - love for the sake of it self is liberating. loving with expectation is painful. i am working on the first... because love is also one of my favorite things and i always want to appreciate it, and not resent it.

RE marriage and marriage announcements. a friend of mine is getting married and has been keeping it quiet (number 23423523545 why i love this gurl)... on the flip side others make a big f*&king deal about it. each to their own. i think for me i am utilizing my time and energy to get things done until that time comes for me (if/when it does). we under appreciate how love works, how marriage and committed relationships work, how marriage and parenthood do change everything - and if they don't for you = be worried. when/if that time comes for me - i think the only people who will know are those that are invited to the wedding (a very small handful of people - future husband, accept this now). trust me when i say i will be EXPLODING with joy at the prospect of being with my cowboy, but it's for me and not to prove anything to anyone else. i've settle in with this. settled in with love for love and not for impression or expectation.

i'm really blessed - i know this.
i'm really learning - this makes me happy.
i know some people think that this is the happiest i have ever been, but in my gut and in my heart i know that this is still a part of the dark before the dawn. i am still at the cusp of it, and it might still all fall apart - and with this knowing i am more aware. for that i am grateful. for a lot of things i am grateful (all of it in fact).

thank you God.
thank you Universe.
and thank you for the existence of cowboys. :o)

cowboy and me (or the hope of it)

2011-10-04T16:15:00.000-07:00

if we ever make it work.
if your heart ever hears mine...
this is what i would sing to you:

prepping

2011-10-03T23:13:00.001-07:00

tomorrow - shopping: warm gear. why?, why not.
no really... so excited about anchorage. no - correction - so excited about who i will see soon....
:o)

(sorry that is blog is more like a diary right now.... lacking focus :/ )

shake him off.

2011-10-02T20:13:00.000-07:00

i am sleepy. i am a bit tired (of so many things and because of so many things).
i am light. i am dark.
i am all the things you believe me to be and none of them... i am me.
and i am so happy ...
i have found my song:

dear cowboy - where the heck are you?, you are exhausting my little heart.

my sister

2011-09-27T21:54:00.000-07:00

i remember hearing him say with great delight - "our souls are friends"

true words. lasting.

(though we are also family - of the deepest sort)

the count down is on: T-10 i get to hug my sister. this woman is ... a lion.

i can not wait :o)

You have always wanted to be understood. You have always been understood. You are an orchestra awaiting music. The music is on the stand. Your hand was meant for taking and offering. Reach outward with the heat of your heart and the green light of your soul. Connect.

John P. Shanley

don't worry - there's not much you can do...

2011-09-23T13:27:00.000-07:00

there are moments in life when you just have to face the reality: don't worry, there's not much you can do.... that is to say, there isn't any physical thing(s) you can do; BUT, you can pray. hope. believe.

have faith.

this post is vague, but whatever - there are those who can relate. when struck with fear - pause and be. chances are that's exactly what is needed for the situation. breathe and press forward.

all love dear universe - all love.

habits

2011-09-22T12:16:00.000-07:00

i've changed my eating habits again. on vitamins. my heart hurts. HA - that was such a freudian slip (because i meant to say my head hurts - but these days my heart rules my head, so there you have that)
changing habits to live more fruitfully.
profound happiness stirs in me.
(this is not a poem)
this is going to be a very busy four weeks; and i am so at peace with that. a best friend i have not seen in two years has a layover for a day, that i will be missing because i will be out of town - it's a mixed bag of emotions there. i will be missing her and her two beautiful sons to be with my brother (and sister and two littles that i ADORE).... then the next weekend - i direct a play (SERIOUSLY EXCITED about that) then the following weekend back up to my joy and then after that up to one of my soul's besties ever... my life is amazing. i am happy - and yet i do not fit the convention... now that is poetic.
*
what i could use now though: my cowboy, oj and some palm trees. universe: it's about time now.

flushed

2011-09-17T23:10:00.000-07:00

sometimes when i get a rush of emotion i flush. sometimes i get a headache. sometimes i get really sick. no joke - my body responds really easily to my emotional states. like - after master call was wrapped (labor day weekend) i got some serious cold (my sister thought it was the flu).

tonight i started getting a bad headache. at first i thought it was because i was out with two amazing people (one of whom i have a developing crush on). AMAZING conversation and deep too. i didn't know where the headache was coming from: not enough water (no), not enough caffeine (no), food (no), drop in blood sugar (really?, no).... then it hit me - the head ache. i drove home super carefully - drank a HEAP of water and sat down to compose myself. i love my life, love my loved ones... where is this emotion coming from? oh, that's right: one of the things we were talking about was loss. i don't handle loss well. getting better (way better - but still). then i thought deeper: do i really need to know why or where this feeling is coming from? why do i need to validate it, can't i just let me feel it and let it go? so i was chatting a moment later and i started to shed tears, then cry, the commence into a little bawl. maybe 15 minutes in total. i needed it. the headache is better and i feel lighter. i think.

*

life is not always easy - but it is what we need it to be for us to grow.

instead of fighting it - why not allow ourselves to become flushed, take some one's hand and move forward?. i choose this: move forward and grow.

thank you universe - this evening was what i needed.

connected

2011-09-15T22:29:00.000-07:00

sometimes i feel so deeply connected to the universe... i can not describe the feeling. i read this a moment ago and it blew my mind/heart/soul:

"I took my life apart carefully, Put it back together perfectly, Except there was a piece left over. It was you. Now I have to take my life apart again, to find out where you fit, Or how it could be that you were in my life, And yet didn't belong there."

John P. Shanley

*
how do you wrap your arms around such a profound sentiment? how does one recognize such a truth as the one stated above.... i love it - it is so immensely liberating.

and good in 3 - 2 - 1.

2011-09-15T17:35:00.000-07:00

dear universe, please accept this moment of vulnerability.

there are moments when i self censor. moments when i want to call or text or email: i love you. OR i miss you. OR something that fully expresses how i feel. most of the time i can't. most of the time i don't (express how i feel). i let it sit. reflect. move on. i'm not playing it cool. people who know me, know how i feel. people who know that i am insecure, know that too..... and respond with such kindness that i am awed - and those that don't, i equally learn from and am grateful to.

but in this moment - i really miss and love *you.

maybe someday eye to eye will be a possibility - for now please accept my self censoring self, because i am profoundly hesitant to actually say anything remotely vulnerable.

all love,
me

three list of five

2011-09-15T06:52:00.000-07:00

knowing that i am not a list maker - still... here is is:

people i want to be near (in no particular order) and see - like soon.
1. mar
2. q
3. my family
4. susi
5. jrl

places i want to see before i die (leave this earth - in no particular order):
1. amsterdam
2. random temples in bali or cambodia or thailand or vietnam
3. machu picchu
4. ciaro
5. maui

things i am super grateful for:
1. the few people i hold close to my heart.
2. the people who have broken my heart.
3. hope.
4. joy.
5. love.

for qmn

2011-09-12T19:22:00.000-07:00

Be near me when my light is low,
When the blood creeps, and the nerves prick
And tingle; and the heart is sick,
And all the wheels of Being slow.

Be near me when the sensuous frame
Is rack'd with pangs that conquer trust;
And Time, a maniac scattering dust,
And Life, a fury slinging flame.

Be near me when my faith is dry,
And men the flies of latter spring,
That lay their eggs, and sting and sing
And weave their petty cells and die.

Be near me when I fade away,
To point the term of human strife,
And on the low dark verge of life
The twilight of eternal day.
— Alfred Tennyson

*
let us be young forever (you, mar and i)
let us always find humor in the darkside and bask in the light...
and when they ask us why:
this is who we are, and what we do.

(ps - i found my cowboy.... now i just got to make him mine)

we used to talk

2011-09-11T18:41:00.001-07:00

We used to talk, you and i.
     We still do.
No.
      I’m right here.
No; the you from before.
     Are we not the same?
No.
     You’re very strange.
To you.
     Yes.
Yes.
     I don’t understand.
No, you never did.
     Do.
Maybe.
     Can you please be present?
Am I not?
     Look at me.
Why?
     I want to see where you are.
I am here.
     No more than we, I, and me are not the same.
Touché.
     I’m not trying to win.
And I am not trying to lose.
     Stalemate?
No.
     But, what if I just want to sit here with you.
Quietly?
     Yes.
You and me?
     Yes.
This is a new thing.
     Maybe.
Maybe talk?
      Maybe.
Ok.
      Ok.

simple realization

2011-09-11T18:01:00.001-07:00

i can't be afraid of those that i love. even when i f**k up with them, i have to trust that somehow the relationship with not only survive, but come out better from it.

i just can't afford fear anymore...

only love,
me

uplifted.

2011-09-10T23:03:00.000-07:00

tonight two dear friends shared with their family and friends their engagement. i love these two so much. happy is my heart for them... prayers and love.


uplifted.

(thank you for reminding me that love is possible for us all dear universe....)

no such thing as anonymity

2011-09-09T00:35:00.000-07:00

a string:

they ask me what my name is; i tell them that i have forgotten. they ask me where i am from; i tell them that i am homeless. they tell me i keep bad company, and i ask them who they refer too... they say (well, one says): you know. "with the ones who uses you, or at least that one in particular." *i pause* "you deserve better, you know" (the one says, flipping her cigarette to the ground and crushing it with her yorkshire accent - her heel, i mean). yeah, maybe. i shrug off - mostly because i don't know what to say.
na maybes. maybes are fa childran who don know betta (i think i am charmed by the speech) figga out ya name, and ya'll see. ennuf wit the rubbish, and let them tha luv ya luv ya; foch the res... (she lights another) an so long as ya kno where ya heaht is, ya home. ya kno? yeah? yeah. good.
maybe.

i know my name.
i know where my heart is.

now it's time to take it all back, and in and let it grow.

*

the universe blesses us with mirrors everyday - so we're not surprised by who and what we see.... and when we are, it is then that we really need to reflect on our self. examine, explore and then let go. above all, let go.

thank you universe, for bringing me light (even when i think i don't need it).

vertigo

2011-09-05T18:50:00.000-07:00

in a state of vertigo... going to take a break/time out.

for your entertainment:

http://www.crackle.com/c/Issues

everyone should have adam gabriel sing happy birthday to them

2011-09-05T09:04:00.000-07:00

why? because it ain't like anything else EVER!

twas an awesome day yesterday and an even better evening. so glad to gain confimation on decisions i have made and so excited about what is to come.... today i plan on napping most of the day, not out of laziness, but if you could see the bags under my eyes (holymoly, you'd agree i need to sleep for four days!).

thank you universe - it wasn't grand or epic, but it was perfect.

Dive

2011-09-04T10:21:00.000-07:00

Today I feel a profound desire to retreat... Feeling like I really messed up, feeling really little, and deeply hurt (mostly by myself). But, instead of retreating and hiding and self loathing - I'm going to place my heart out there and dive into the fears and insecurities and face life ... And if my being is comforted, awesome. If it is not? Awesome. I am opening myself to love, growth and light...

epic

2011-09-03T21:03:00.000-07:00

turns out, i was mistaken universe. i did want a grand gesture or two. and only grand because i needed the assurance of something - my ego (maybe) hurt a bit? sometimes you need to know in more than just words that the past is buried, that distance is just a few atoms between, and that your heart beat matters.

it was a wonderful day (yesterday and today). i have an amazing family....their provision of love, joy, laughter, support and light is a blessing!!!, and i gained amazing insights today: i need to slow down and remember the changes i have made and honor them. i need to honor myself and honor those around me.

turns out i am a green eyed beast when it comes to affections - and now that i know this, i need to change it. there are only a few things grosser than jealously or insecurities. i allowed my heart to bend today. felt it break a little today - not out of anything other than a recollection... then, in the wallow i heard something that rocked my world: it takes as much intention to fail as it does to succeed. (holy crap - i love that line). followed that afternoon with: confusion is nothing more than a state of fear in receiving and responding (RE behavior). turns out i am not confused. turns out i will now redirect my efforts and intention into success (in all matters) from henceforth. my heart is mine, and i will not allow it to be broken again.... not if i can see it coming. and where i understand that my reactions are my reactions - i do want epic. i do want grand. so, there.

universe - i was mistaken; sorry for not knowing this, and not being clear. i want grand, i want epic.... i want meaning and profoundness and laughter and joy and love....

tree pruning time for me, and time for you to bring on the grand and epic. (thank you in advance)

she had a headache

2011-09-02T19:40:00.000-07:00

master class - the breakdown for those who don't get why i've been mia for the last few weeks....
most recent project: girl, interrupted.
role: valerie

today on my drive home i was carving out details of valerie (and susanna), and when i got to a line i started to well up: head aches.

loaded for certain - and for those who watched the original (please note it is different from the book, different from the first draft screen play and the actual susanna has disassociated herself from it) you know that susanna tried to kill herself by downing a bottle of asprin with vodka. in our scene: valerie asks susanna how she and and susanna responds: head aches. how did i miss that? the last three weeks - how did i miss that?

this weekend we present and i am stoked!, and nervous. and now i am profoundly moved in my own life - how many times did i miss the critical moments?

goal for the year: slow down. listen. let go. let go. take in. watch and listen. slow down. let go......for all the things that i want - i want to not want them.

dear universe -- thank you for saving me. i love you. and i love you.

all love.

Annual Project

2011-09-01T22:01:00.000-07:00

every year, around this time (for the past 10 or so years), i engage in what i call my annual project: a project centered in expressing my gratitude to life, love and growth.

-it is meant for reflection, and for saying all the things i may not have been able to during the year.
-it is meant for finding peace, and preparing for the... future.
-it is meant for enjoyment and for sharing.

i took two years off from this project, and in that time i did think of what i would do and for whom, but never got around to executing it.

this year, i am overflowing with so much to be grateful for.

with that: 09|03|11 Annual Project (some of you may be getting a variation of this in the mail, others hand delivered). All love.

	the annual playlist
Young Blood	The Naked and Famous
Hello	Martin Solveig & Dragonette	939
Sigh No More	Mumford & Sons	143
Shake Me Down	Cage the Elephant	212 \| 111 \| 729 \| et al
Uprising	Muse
Skylark Interabang?!	::M∆DE::IN::HEIGHTS::
Moment 4 Life	Nicki Minaj & Drake
Firework	Katy Perry
Lisztomania	Phoenix
The Lucky One	Alison Krauss & Union Station
Poker Face	Lady GaGa	555 - because really… :o)
Cosmic Love	Florence + The Machine	familia & the usuals
Waiting for the End	Linkin Park	336
The Story	Brandi Carlile	familia & the usuals
Comptine D'un Autre Ete: L'apres Midi	Amelie

release

2011-09-01T21:17:00.003-07:00

breathe it out. don't hold the air in. don't push away the people that love you. preserve space, but don't isolate. allow the events to happen, to unfold.
breathe it out.
release.
be.

let love heal, and let it hurt (sometimes it has to). and then - when it is all said and done: breathe in (deeply).

insecurities = false pride

2011-08-29T21:59:00.000-07:00

i think that is the biggest lesson i learned over the weekend.

do not think yourself little, do not think yourself grand. simply: know yourself and expand and improve.

songs 7 - 12

2011-08-24T18:18:00.000-07:00

Song #07
http://youtu.be/w8KQmps-Sog

Song #08

Song #09

Song #10

Song #11

Song #12

rhetorical

2011-08-24T12:33:00.000-07:00

fast² (fst)

intr.v. fast·ed, fast·ing, fasts

1. To abstain from food.

2. To eat very little or abstain from certain foods, especially as a religious discipline.

1. The act or practice of abstaining from or eating very little food.

2. A period of such abstention or self-denial.

strange the things we become aware once they are verbalized. okay - not strange... more like cool.

sometimes we really do need to fast (from more than just food/drink). there is a cleansing and moment to reflect.

the trick is not to starve yourself in the process.

new found love

2011-08-23T16:58:00.001-07:00

piccsy.com

hells ya!

lists - rather not

2011-08-22T23:24:00.001-07:00

the annual soundtrack is being compiled. a bit distracted this year - but on my path :o)

cheers universe. you owe me a bunch of little awesome gestures - i don't frankly need or want any grand ones.

using my heart to touch the sky.

2011-08-21T12:06:00.000-07:00

“Fear has its use but cowardice has none.” Mahatma Gandhi

there are moments when i am so strongly swept with fear and doubt. it does not replace my happiness, but engages in an ebb and flow dance. this week that dance has been very pronounced, and unlike the previous me - the person i am now goes in and searches for the answers within (rather than lean on external resources). for this reason i think i have been sleep deprived, or maybe vice versa.

today i have take action and control back into my own hands - at the very least in how i feel and react.

i love certain factors in my life, and others need to change - so i am preparing for those changes.

the fear is present, but i will not slow down or back down - the way up is quite simply: up.

new music

2011-08-18T22:07:00.001-07:00

Oh Land - White Nights from CANADA on Vimeo.

from the ashes

2011-08-18T18:48:00.000-07:00

“It's best to have failure happen early in life. It wakes up the Phoenix bird in you so you rise from the ashes.” ~ Anne Baxter

the last two weeks have flown by - sleep deprivation is taking hold and i'm not up to 1000% (100% just doesn't cut it if you want to rise) ... cancelling non related work plans to rest, pray and meditate. time to go back to base camp; then head back out.

you can't really catch up on the tail end - can you?

2011-08-16T16:31:00.001-07:00

back to being sleep deprived - i'm trying to catch up.

regrets about it? none. the weekend just flew by - i need a life remote so i can hit the "slow" button sometimes.

so happy. so sleepy. time for a late nap then workout.

:o)

observational run down

2011-08-12T00:01:00.000-07:00

maybe it's timing, or the ability to look at something and not feel anything - not apathy, just think "yeah, okay? let's move on" maybe it's that in life i think we are limited to a few glorious years of life, and i would like to spend them loving. maybe it's about letting go of all the things we never really had, and holding on ... to God. maybe it's realizing that we will never really meet anyone's expectations (especially if they tell you that you have - what? really?). maybe it's about being calm in the face of chaos and smile at the changing world we are living in.

i am mostly sleep deprived - but so happy.

i have a blessed life. and i wish everyone the same (not the same life - but to find the blessings in their own).

i miss a few friends, perpetually; i miss other friends, not so perpetually. i love them all - though some i indulge with more. i love to love, laugh and smile - and i love taking photos - if you know me, you'd know this. (i wish my lens wasn't busted).

also - i am reserving who i share my goals with now - my own integrity means more to me than people knowing my business - sorry handful of readers.

ok - i'm going to bed now - it's almost midnight.

all love!

set the bar low or really really high

2011-08-10T20:29:00.000-07:00

set the bar low or really really high - that way you know for sure that everyone will succeed OR everyone will epically fail and either way you are happy :)

for me - i've done away with the bar. too many expectations, too many disappointments and really - too much ego.

so: let there be love. let there be hope.... and us always do our best to be better than the day before.

FB status

2011-08-07T01:52:00.000-07:00

sometimes my fb status may very well be my blog. for example:

today = a day of inspiration. one movie set, one film festival, one amazing meeting of forward moving momentum, one moment of doubt and a moment of redemption.... infinite amounts of love and a profound sense of purpose. thank you to every one that shared today with me (and those who were there in spirit)

thanks universe for ... everything!

all i have

2011-08-05T22:53:00.000-07:00

all i have you may have - but for my heart. i fought for that. i'm still fighting for it. but i will share from it - all that i have...

all that i have you may have - the joys, the loves, the laughter, the faith, the hopes... all but the fears, hesitations and doubts. those are mine and mine to let go of. but i will share everything else.

sincerely world - if all i leave you with is a heartfelt smile: mission accomplished!

all i have you may have - if you have the heart for it. as i am beginning to realize - it take far more courage to be happy, than to not be.

#thankful

balconies and sofas

2011-08-02T22:03:00.000-07:00

i love you; i miss you. i find you in every happy thought and miss you less; and find you in every peaceful moment and love you more. this is one of my greatest gifts from this existence. you and you and me.

you will always have a home wherever i may be. always.

a short list

2011-08-01T19:49:00.000-07:00

i have, really, everything i need. love. health. happiness.

things that i want to accomplish more:
1. money (yes - you need this to make movies and a living)
2. a solid/healthy 8 hours of sleep
3. (insert smart ass comment from q or mar - which is probably very appropriate and true)
4. a name for a production company
5. more time

dear universe - i've asked, please provide

:)

from 2.5 to more

2011-07-30T07:43:00.000-07:00

this morning i wanted to go for a jog - but just couldn't get up umph - so i walked. that planned 2.5 mile walked turned into more of a 5 mile walk...

i have been realizing that for all the strengths i have developed my weak spot is (still, the obvious) men. they wield an ability to elevate or devastate me - and i'm done with that. no matter what your back ground is - this is the foundation i want to have with you (men) in the minimum: respect. that, and you gotta make me laugh. that, and you gotta add to my feeling safe. these are the minimums. this is not to say that the men in my life have not done so - but i am finding that outside of my father, brother, and best friend (yep - he's a he), and a hand full of men - i have felt mostly diminished as a woman and person around the men that i allowed into my life. this is coming to an end - actually it did as of last wednesday. a universal "i have put my foot down". so - dear men: i will be your friend, lover, girlfriend and/or wife - but i will not be a substitute for any of those things. i will not be one of your surrogates or teachers on all things women - and i will most definitely not be one of the boys/mens.

we all have value, independent of the groups we may fall into, and until we believe in that value ourselves how can we image any one else will... the light switch is on full blast and i'm going to let it shine.

perhaps this will be the new 2.5 (this 5 mile walk - soon to be run).

with a million reasons to be grateful - i am grateful to every man - to every woman too - for reminding me that my beauty is not framed by my body, but contained in it...

time to get healthy again - and stay there!

time for awesome.

ready, set, go.....

smiles

2011-07-28T21:23:00.000-07:00

yesterday i couldn't help but to smile inside and out the whole day - even when douchbaggery (yes - it's a word, even if i made it up) presented itself....
on set and living the dream. surrounded by profound talent. i really love my life. i really love the people in it.
woke up at 4am - crashed in at 11pm | amazing does not do it justice.

these smiles are beginning to carve a new place in my habits, and for this i am so grateful to the universe for....

now - at 9:20pm - i need to sleep.

all love!

specific relationship

2011-07-27T00:33:00.000-07:00

i have been working on a story for about four months now.
i have been working on the arch, the lines, the lights... but not getting anywhere - until two key things happened:
1. a note from my friend roya
2. a conversation with my dear dear friend martha

the first provided me with inspiration for a first line, the second.... the heart of the story: the specific relationship.

we all need those people in our lives that somehow remind us of the grace and mercy of God. those people that time after time amaze, astound, humble and uplift us. martha is that person for me - and really i could go on and on, but i do feel a universal punch coming my way from her, so i will stop at the specific of her - but that brief conversation lifted the story to a place where it could not be. the characters now have a specific relationship....

i can not wait to send martha a draft of this short - i can not wait for her to see it... it is mostly fiction, but the inspiration came from the love that this amazing woman fosters...

i am forever grateful to the universe for her, and those that i have befriended through her...

thank you universe (and thank you martha)

temporariness and ..... i love smiling

2011-07-26T06:47:00.000-07:00

most times i am fortunate enough to be able to remind myself of the temporary nature of the nature of things - and then there are things that do not feel temporary to me (but let us admit - only a handful of things ARE permanent). what i am hoping is that this sense of purpose stay and fulfills everyday of me and this life. i love smiling, i love being about to be present and joke and build and laugh and bring forth... i love the energy of oneness and healing.

as a good friend pointed out yesterday: why justify your joy and perception to anyone?, if they argue it - it is simply their way... you have chosen a different way.

yes.

i am on this train that is constantly moving and the passengers (like me) know that there is no final stopping point (unless and until you stop and get stuck). this excites me.

*

in pre production - getting excited!!!

*

thank you universe for this sense of joy and light!

real versus fake

2011-07-24T15:40:00.000-07:00

i am beginning to realize that the difference between real and fake is very very thin. almost non existent. does it matter that something is real or fake? to me - not really. it is what it is and i am all for appreciating it now and when it changes i will address the change then. my big concern these days are being around the "why nots" (as Kevin Smith put it) versus the "whys". i could spend forever (or really five minutes) concerning myself over real friends or fake friends, real sweet versus fake sweet, real blah or fake blah, or i could dive into just being the best and most me i can possibly be and hope that it draws in similar happy vibes....

#comiccon somehow always brings me back to that reality - that reality is what we make of it. what we project onto others is deepening how we feel about ourselves. so my course of action needs to be love, compassion, joy, and peace.... this is my volition - feel free to chose your own.

so - whether you are real or fake - i love you.

dear universe - i had a blast at comic con. thanks!

Q44

2011-07-15T21:07:00.000-07:00

today i am officially on the bus.

i can not fully explain what that means... other than i am happy that i am in the light God has created for me and that those who are meant to be here with me are (in spirit and body).

i love my life. i love my loved ones in it. no more excuses and half hearted anythings.

today i am officially on the bus with no final destination.

“Be the change you want to see in the world.” Mahatma Gandhi

2011-07-04T20:05:00.000-07:00

starting midnight (pst): absolutely no complaining and criticizing for 7 days. any mess up and start from the beginning......time to change the world one attitude at a time!

only love.

500

2011-07-03T19:24:00.001-07:00

let us just get this out of the way.... big 500....

i love my life.
i love my family.
i love my friends.
i love my craft.
thank you GOD!

a promise is a promise

2011-07-03T01:26:00.000-07:00

i had promised my acting coach german chocolate cupcakes... and a promise is a promise. so at 9pm i began the process of sifting, creaming and blending the FROM SCRATCH chocolate cake....

i had to take a picture of this: i hand whipped soft peaked egg whites and incorporated them in to the cake.... dope!

made the caramel for the coconut walnut (i didn't have pecans) caramel topping...

freaking awesome! (note: i used 60% cocoa for this recipe - chocolatey indeed)

the caramel topping... the only thing not home made was the frosting and i just couldn't run back to the store at midnight for the ingredients needed....

final product.

i love being a woman of my word... more than that: i love being of service to my loved ones.

30 cupcakes made. 25 for class and 5 for home. thank you universe for allowing me such love.

let the madness begin!

2011-07-02T07:47:00.001-07:00

http://www.indiegogo.com/Fractured-the-webseries

testify.

2011-07-01T22:36:00.001-07:00

from negatives

2011-06-28T23:06:00.000-07:00

not all pictures are meant to be kept. not all things are meant for this world. and not all things are meant to last... the art of life is to live in gratitude and joy (for so many reasons). rejoice. peace. love.

thank you universe. i'm taking the steps...

dreams and the after life

2011-06-27T20:08:00.000-07:00

some dreams are faster and far more real than any reality that i can wrap my head around (sometimes), and that's when she (a healer with light and dark) tells me that with my soul there is very little differentiation. if that is the case: then how many times have i died? how many lives have i faced and erased? in this one, and the next and the next i hope to spread only ever increasing joy, peace and love. is that too much to ask for?

*you tell me to not say the truth out loud, but i do. you walk away, and i know that in following you a part of me will die. i will die. i still follow. i may always follow. but i am now me, and the she that i am is differentiating between your needs and my own...that is now my reality*

there is a beauty in looking forward to waking up - when you know your wakeful eyes hold as much promise (indeed, more!) as your dreaming one(s), and the after life of the dream is far greater in the realizing than in the allusion and metaphor it purports.

membranes v. boundaries

2011-06-22T21:30:00.000-07:00

i have made the decision that i will not close out my heart... but life (and the universe) have kindly taught me that i must have a strong self membrane. remember who i am and where my limitations lie.
i love with an abandon that scares me sometimes; so to protect her (my heart) i have created a firm membrane that once began in the form of a boundary - which we all need. there comes a point, however, where we HAVE to let things in. this is how we feel love and give love. but, we also need to know when we are giving at the expense of our own health... that's the really hard part. when is the line drawn from membrane to boundary? i don't know. i think when you feel you are out of breath instead of breathing, that is a good indicator.

today i got to breathe DEEPLY - and it was an awesome feeling. i have an amazing family, and amazing friends (that feel like family), and a heart so full.....

dear universe, there is nothing (really ... i can't think of anything) more wonderful than a child running up to you to hug you and kiss you and tell you that they have missed you and saved a seat for you. *heart meltage* i want to be able to offer this love to all those i love.

thank you universe.

2011-06-22T00:18:00.001-07:00

do yourself a favor:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1tgLHLFxLBY&feature=related

thieving

2011-06-21T23:04:00.000-07:00

“There is only one real sin, and that is to persuade oneself that the second-best is anything but the second-best”

~ Doris Lessing

i have made a decision for myself tonight: i will be certainly, whole heartedly and gratefully appreciative of any and all time that i get with those i love, adore and admire.... but beshrew me before i steal a moment from them. i will not be a thief, not even for love. i will not act as though a stolen moment is the same as the one offered with a full and whole heart. i will earn it, yes. i will work for it, yes. i will sacrifice for it, yes. but i will not steal it. (there is something heart breaking about the thought - and pathetic too)

if second place is all i may be - i will accept it with honor, but i will not pretend that it is what i want (or in some cases deserve). there is no room for second best in epic; but, then again, there are no rooms for such titles when the heart is open as well. there are no rooms for such classifications when the heart forgives, understands and embraces; so, i suppose i need to dive deeper and carve out the opening of my heart so that this truth sinks in and so that gratitude deepens, so that all i may feel (stolen or otherwise) is grateful for any and all the moments...

dear ego - pass through.
dear universe - thank you.

knowing - part iii

2011-06-20T23:22:00.001-07:00

dear weepies - PLEASE stop melting my heart with songs like this:

or live:
Check out this great MSN video: The Weepies - Can't Go Back Now

(if you are quiet enough - you can hear the heart beats of the sincere as their base line.... of this i am convinced)

knowing - part ii

2011-06-20T22:12:00.000-07:00

i used to think that it was a showing of weakness when i was affected by people (their words, actions and energies); but, now i am beginning to better understand the dynamics of how this world operates, and how some of us were not fully built to operate within it.

we are not weak - we are simply different. we do not feel more or less - just feel it differently. i do not find shame in feeling something at a slight remark - i have simply learned how not to be transparent with what it means to me and for me.

i do not, will not, accept defeat - even of myself. i will not settle, not even in friendships or business dealings. what i must now learn is how to let things pass. knowing when it is time to move onto something that wants me to be present and is willing to at least try to meet me half way.... (enter "knowing part i") - even myself.

i am not afraid of deep and meaningful - i am afraid of those that are.
i am not afraid of effort and commitment - i am afraid of those that are.

i will now become the dragon slayer of my own fears...

knowing.

2011-06-20T18:50:00.000-07:00

“If I were asked to give what I consider the single most useful bit of advice for all humanity it would be this: Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and when it comes, hold you head high, look it squarely in eye and say, 'I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me.'” Ann Landers

i am working on addressing my fears. not necessarily the things that i am "afraid" of - but those fears that are holding me back, holding me away from myself and the success that is (frankly) destined for me. that is terrifying in and of itself - that we can be our own barrier...

now to dive in and find the fears and comfort them... and then gently let them float away. pay as little attention to them as much as possible.

(yes - i know that i am fully irresponsible for not having a 401k, but i am happy... and right now that is such a gift..............time to increase my lung capacity and get ready to dive)

thank you God for providing this opportunity to grow and be well.

let it pass

2011-06-19T21:17:00.000-07:00

i'm tired. sometimes. right now i am. i have a new crush. i would love to call him up and let him know (but i declared to the universe that the next relationship i am in HE WILL initiate it and follow through). but what's interesting about this crush is this : i feel soft about it. if that makes sense... maybe it's all the thinking, feeling, exploring, healing, blah blah blahing; but, i feel like - yeah - i could sit with him every morning with a cup of tea and our books and mozart in the background, and he would blink and i would understand, and we'd speak french together, or nothing at all. he'd teach me to surf and i would learn. i'd teach him to nap, and he'd learn. and we'd share a soda and midnight conversation (because naturally they can't wait until morning), he'd play the piano and i would listen to every note (and non note), i would read to him my favorite sonnets. he would get my jokes and laugh, and with a twitch of his lips he could make me fall into tears of laughter... i could see this. we would have time for our loved ones, and time for each other; but our time would be the sacred one. he'll get mad at me, but not so mad that he'd want to sleep in a different bed. i'll get mad at him, but he would make me laugh and remember all the reasons i love him. we'd collect books, in all different languages. we'd have a life of art and literature and science and a never ending sense of imagination... i don't want to let this pass - this feeling.

so, i am declaring that: i want him*
please, dear universe, do not let this declaration pass...
thank you.

friend(s).

2011-06-17T20:59:00.000-07:00

i read this blog: http://samimi-extremie.blogspot.com/
(not because it makes me feel cooler - nope. on the contrary i feel more humble doing so, and feel connected to someone somewhere that is tapped into something deeper and more open than most allow themselves to experience, let alone share. so - thank you extremie)

also - thank you to everyone whom allows me to be me... you are gems for your patience and kindness and fidelity.

thank you universe for hooking this girl up that way.

passion

2011-06-17T00:04:00.000-07:00

frequently i loose track of time; and as frequently, i remember time all too well. every moment counts. every moment counts. every. moment. counts. be present for it, have passion for it, relish every humming motion...

frequently i loose track of time and space and the difference between now and then and what will be... and then there are times that i am painfully aware... the loss of each second... or the wait.

distance is not my challenge, but distance is. for those who have helped me to discover paths to connection, thank you. your presence in my life has changed me... and though there may be frequent distance between us - i always feel you near... and with passion i stand up for you all - even when you stand/sit/sleep beside me.

reading a book like "the unbearable lightness of being" is beautifully foreign to me... because frequently i loose track of time, and space and place and i am filled with the love and light of myself, and you... and you... and you... and .... how safe and warm and meaningful... i am passionate about this life and the one that will come after and after and after .... and i will stand up for you there too.

and as those of you who i count as my marines... and in your own messages you have received...
"if we were here now - we'd do the best things ever. read. drink tea. laugh at anything and everything. sit in the rain.... more tea and some oatmeal cookies and blueberry muffins ... yoga (you'll learn because i'll tell you it's good for you) and then read some more. you could bring **** - but if we were here now, we'd do the best things ever!"
and just being with you would be the best thing ever. (yeah - the five languages of love don't fit me in.... thanks, but there are waaaaaay more than five)

frequently i remind myself of how blessed i am. thank you universe.

wear it another day

heart('s something that words can not express)

heart('s echo)

heart (cuteness)

heart (light)

heart (armored)

heart(is not always enough)

heart(hunger-games)

heart(matters)

heart(knows no distance)

heart(locks and keys)

in a profound desire to connect, have we simply removed ourselves from humanity? isn't it about things being a bit messy, and painful; a bit cleansing, and a lot pleasurable?

heart(maps)

heart(-beating to a different drum)

heart(s do not create lists - we do)

heart(compass)

heart('s place)

heart(pace)

heart(strings)

heart(note)

"When one does not love too much, one does not love enough."- Blaise Pascal

heart(melt)

heart(felt)

in summation:

semper fidelis

If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, "thank you," that would suffice. ~ Meister Eckhart

strange choices, detox and his version of poetry

glittery

no measure

heart strings and brain games

purgatory

tomorrow: happy birthday sabt

ask yourself: why.

my fear of darkness

shadow play

day inbetween days

days 24 & 23

days 26 and 25

day 27

day 28

day 29

day 30

30 day cleanse post-poned one day

breathe deep

favorite things

cowboy and me (or the hope of it)

prepping

shake him off.

my sister

John P. Shanley

don't worry - there's not much you can do...

habits

flushed

connected

John P. Shanley

*how do you wrap your arms around such a profound sentiment? how does one recognize such a truth as the one stated above.... i love it - it is so immensely liberating.

and good in 3 - 2 - 1.

three list of five

for qmn

we used to talk

simple realization

uplifted.

no such thing as anonymity

vertigo

everyone should have adam gabriel sing happy birthday to them

Dive

epic

she had a headache

Annual Project

release

insecurities = false pride

songs 7 - 12

rhetorical

new found love

lists - rather not

using my heart to touch the sky.

new music

from the ashes

you can't really catch up on the tail end - can you?

observational run down

"When one does not love too much, one does not love enough."
- Blaise Pascal

If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, "thank you," that would suffice.
~ Meister Eckhart

*
how do you wrap your arms around such a profound sentiment? how does one recognize such a truth as the one stated above.... i love it - it is so immensely liberating.

starting midnight (pst): absolutely no complaining and criticizing for 7 days. any mess up and start from the beginning......time to change the world one attitude at a time!

only love.