04.28.16

sometimes i forget that it all started with writing.  with letting go, and breathing and letting the words flood through me.

some people - most people - don't understand that.  the music of words.  their beats, their underlying meanings.  i mean, we live in a world where the word "literally" no longer exists.  not really.

sometimes i wonder if i have forgotten how to write, or rhyme.  and then i'll meet someone that reminds me that i haven't - i just lost the words.  and you stare into eyes that you don't know, but begin to hear their thoughts and think:  magic!  but, no.  it's simple, natural, human connection.

i love that:  the simple truth.

i love that i am simple, and in that simplicity i am an universe planted into an atom unfolded.

i am far more than you give me credit for....  and yet nothing at all.

   i can love you forever, if you let me....  and i promise never to leave.  but, i will - because you will ask me to.  because a love like that is frightening.

here.

sometimes i forget how far they live - my best friends.  and, yet, i feel the in my heart beat.... because my heart is no longer mine.

i have found a way to give it back to the creator, whilst exponentially growing and giving it away.

that's how i know that i have not forgotten how to write, that's how i know i still create when speaking the words of others.

      but, i am still afraid.  beyond that - i push through.

12.19.2015

you came hurtling towards me at the speed of sound,
   i heard you coming.
   i saw you coming - and, in that difference between the the deafening boom and the blink of light...
   in that difference /distance - darkness.
i could not stop the collision and the explosion and the shattering...

   but, you are not the first disaster.

floods, eruption, chaos...  stillness, peace, then hope.

   the time between us counts in no way, so much so it counts in every way.  it was nothing.  and, everything.  

you were a meteor.  i was in your way.  was i in your way?
   the natural consequence:  my destruction.

next time: i will remind myself that i am not a planet, but a heart.
   i can move.
   i can save myself.
   i can hear the oceans shift and see the sun's rays and feel the changing of the winds...

you came and left and i have no idea what to do with this....
   thank you / i'm sorry...  (i wish we never met)

11.18.2015

making new friends terrifies me.  it's an onslaught of revealing and vulnerability and...  it's exhausting.  and, i love it.  it surprises me every time - it shouldn't, but it does.  what it doesn't do - however - is replace those who are (i can't think of a better word right now) safeguards, who are heroes, who are lights and loves of my soul.

i guess - today - i am hyper aware of the gratitude i feel for these external forces.  today - i am hyper aware of the powerful changes i have applied to my own internal forces....

may we all get goosebumps around those we love - however we love them.

08.11.2015

it's been a while.

things have been rushed.  slow.  painfully intangible.  sometimes, all too real.  wonderful.

happy?  sure, why not.
    most of the time.

it's an effort though, no?  most of the time, yes.
   it's a decision.  i chose, yes "i am happy" - because i know the alternative and that is boring, and predictable.

my friend did this thing...  thought it was insightful... so, for fun:

A- Age: ...

B- Biggest Fear: disappointing those i love, not being able to provide.

C- Current Time: 12:00 pm pst

D- Drink you last had: Water

E- Easiest Person To Talk to: Q and Mar (and Susi)

F- Favorite Song: i have a rotation.  

G- Grossest Memory: being told to know my place ...

H- Hometown: LA

I- In love with: love

J- Jealous Of: N/A

K- Killed Someone? Nope

L- Longest Relationship: 2 years

M- Middle Name: N/A

N- Number of Siblings: real 1, like....too many

O- One Wish: too many

P- Person who you last called: Lindsey McDowell

Q- Question you're always asked: Where are you from?

R- Reason to smile: Any

S- Song last sang: The Last Time (Gary Lightbody / Taylor Swift)

T- Time you woke up: 5:30am

U- Underwear Color: Grey

V- Vacation Destination: where i want?  London.

W- Worst Habit: too many

X- Xrays you've had: Everywhere

Y- Your favorite food: N/A

Z- Zodiac Sign: Virgo

Cheers.

10.31.2014

self assignment :  breathe.
self goal :  breathe.
                                                         i am awake, and as such:  there is hope.

i asked him how he does it.  get by.  (the answer was short, sweet, and honest.  but nothing i can use.  not for me.)
   |  for those who have been down the rabbit hole, it is hard to not remember it.  think about it.  sometimes even miss it.  there was a predictability in that unpredictability.  but me, i like steadiness.  i like routine.  i like commitment and the moreness of life.  |

self assignment :  serve more / do more / be more / love more  (and try to trust more)

10.28.2014

It's been a while.  I've been overwhelmed and underwhelmed...  I think the overriding feeling, however, has been:  not enough.
                                 i'm not enough.

It's an interesting life, this one.  Exhausting.  This is not a reflection of anything other than :  things should have turned out different, no?

I'd say a moment to catch my breath would be great, but I'm not sure a moment is enough.  I'm grateful, and sometimes sad.  I'm happy, and sometimes lacking.  I'm hopeful, and sometimes sure that this is it...

A friend last night said:  you need to write down what makes you feel vulnerable and play with that.
       
So.  It's been a while.  I've been overwhelmed and underwhelmed...  I think the overriding feeling, however, has been:  not enough.
                                            i'm disappointed that i have disappointed so many people (that i love and admire); including myself.

04.21.2014

Listening to Emeli Sande's version of "Every Teardrop Is a Waterfall" - the power of these verses ("cathedrals in my heart" - in particular) slay me every time.  The belief of something so massive, so sacred within us is a powerful concept and truth.  Hidden from the world, it is within us and that sacredness is there for us to share.  A prayerful/spiritual experience in sharing ourself with those we choose....  with that I reflect on a passage I heard many many years ago:  Matthew 19:24 : And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.  In connection to this, I think of the Baha'i passage:  All that is in heaven and earth I have ordained for thee, except the human heart, which I have made the habitation of My beauty and glory...

What this makes me feel - and though I know the connections are mine and lack full rationale and logic - is that that so much of the material and fears of this world just can't fit into our hearts, so we build up these walls around it making it harder for the light of love to come through to, into and from it.

We are so desperately playing the "game" that we waste time that could have been spent in the light of affection and love and hope and..........truth.

Cathedrals in my heart....  and sometimes, sometimes, I hear a choir singing.  I feel the vibrations of prayers.  I know of a truth that I have purpose.  Sometimes, I am able to recognize patrons of that edifice, because in the light of truth we can not hide the realities of love.

04.17.2014

i watched the movie "the big empty" years ago.  it struck me:  clever, witty and oh so cheerfully dark.

in it there was proposed a deeply metaphysical quest - and its answer led to the demise of the protagonist.  ain't that the way it (always) goes?

        no.  but, that 'always' is neither here nor there.

in my own personal quest for peace i find myself faced with many of my deepest vulnerabilities - and the beauty of that is :  know thyself.  since i am not a narcissist (lucky world), i am not hung up on knowing myself.  i am hung up on integrity and being there for others; taking my quest for peace to a deeper and more rooted level.  see there paradoxes there?  i do.  and i would say that i don't care what you think, but i do.  i just don't let it sit in me the ways it used to.

so it makes me wonder - now - what if you could really reach your quest.....what then?

      what if you woke up with a bandaid?  would that make it better? 

03.14.2014

the advice we give and receive, i am observing, is so heavily based on our experiences, that often we may not know what it is we are actually receiving or offering.  i suppose, above all else: we must remember love, we must always choose love, but when it gets to the bones of it - we must apply respect.

i recently shared a hurtful experience with three very different friends, and received three very different responses.  BUT - at the heart of all three:  you are worth more, you deserve better.

we are all worth more than we believe.  we all deserve better than we allow ourselves.

so - maybe in addition to respect:  forgiveness?  yes.  forgiveness.  of where the pain originated from, and towards ourselves (for allowing ourselves to be hurt to begin with).

and with forgiveness comes a sort of peace, and then hopefully joy.  it could be (in a slippery slope way) suggested then that by choosing love we chose respect, forgiveness, peace and joy? (maybe.)

i have taken the foundation of all three advices and have accepted where i stand in the light of the truth of circumstances - as uncomfortable as it may be.  moving on - with love.

i am happy.  i am loved.  i search for forgiveness and peace (and in some brief moments find it).  it's all unknown to me, and for the most part i don't get it.  but what i do got are amazing friends and family that exercise patience with me, and somehow manage to speak my language (on most occasions).  above that - they have created a space for me to feel safe, and that is how i know.  (thank you my usuals)

03.06.2014

i spent some time with a friend today.  she has experienced heart break and betrayal.  she has faced it boldly and openly.  to say i am proud of her is strange - she is living up to the light in her, so to expect less would be the strange thing.

after we talked, i got to reflecting.  i tend to try so hard, until i can't try/do anymore.  well - i used to.  now - i'm not so sure.

as another friend pointed out to me a few weeks ago (paraphrased):
friend:  you bounce back faster.  like, way faster.
me:  that's a good thing?
friend:  yeah.
me:  okay.
*silent beat*
me:  most of the time i just don't know.
friend:  about what?
me:  everything...  people...  everything.

so, i suppose, the thing is this:  i don't want to fight for people, i don't want people to fight for me - i want peace.  i want ease.  i want challenge but not out right difficulty.  i want to expect and have things expected of me....  i want to trust.  i want to be trusted.

me:  i think i was born in the wrong era.
friend:  no you weren't.  you just have to find a way to understand that people don't all love the same.
me:  so what do i do?
friend:  keep loving, but you don't have to do anymore than you have.
me:  but...
friend:  love from a distance.  pray, meditate, send all of your love over...  just not yourself.
me:  oh...

so.  i am sending all of my love over (and possibly a bit of myself).  do you feel it?

03.04.2014

hooked.  that's what a friend of mine calls it.  this process that i am experiencing.  it's kindof exciting because it is not at all crippling.  it's actually surreal.  detachment from a place of health and conscience.  peaceful and almost happy.

hooked.  like a fish?  like a junkie?  no - not a junkie...  there is no high - only crashes.  so a fish.  there is an embedding of moments, experiences, hopes, (dare i say) expectations.  i am ok with expectations.  i am okay with hopes, experiences and moments - and perhaps that is why i am okay with the scar that this unhooking will leave.  it'll be a fond reminder of some really good (some great) moments.  it'll be a reminder that i survived and grew thicker skin (and yet still choose to get back out into life and give all the love i am capable of giving...).

hooked.  yeah - that's a good word.  and during these nineteen days i am working on letting go.  holding on to all the love, and sending so much love, but letting go.  (and strange that you make it so easy)

pretend time is over - i'm ready for real.

02.19.2014

"you know - i really wonder sometimes if i am just not cut out for this world.  i mean - i love it, and have immense moments of happiness, but most of the time i feel like i'm just stumbling through a forest of people and i have no compass.

not being emo - just reflecting on my lack of understanding people.  myself.  life.

all the stuff of the making of a good writer and movie maker i suppose."

10.29.2013

“One day, he’s going to know. He’ll know your birthday, your middle name, where you were born, your star sign, and your parents names. He’ll know how old you were when you learned to ride a bike, how your grandparents passed away, how many pets you had, and how much you hated going to school. He’ll know your eye colour, your scars, your freckles, your laugh lines and your birth marks. He’ll know your favourite book, movie, candy, food, pair of shoes, colour, and song. He’s going to know why you’re awake at 5am most nights, where you were when you realised you’d lost a good friend, why you picked up the razor and how you managed to put it down before things went too far. He’s going to know your phobias, your dreams, your fears, your wishes, and your worries. He’s going to know about your first heartbreak, your dream wedding, and your problems with your parents. He’ll know your strengths, weaknesses, laziness, energy, and your mixed emotions. He’s going to know about your love for mayonnaise, your dream of being famous when you were five, your need to quote any film you know all the way through, and your fear of growing older. He’ll know your bad habits, your mannerisms, your stroppy pout, your facial expressions, and your laugh like it’s his favourite song. The way you chew, drink, walk, sleep, fidget and kiss. He’s going to know that you’ve already picked out wedding flowers, baby names, tiles for the bathroom, bridesmaid dresses, and the colour of your bedroom walls. He’s going to know, get annoyed at and then accept that you leave clothes everywhere, take twenty minutes to order a Starbucks, have to organise your DVD’s alphabetically, and check your horoscope… just incase. He’ll know your McDonald’s order, how many sugars to put in your tea, how many scoops of ice cream you want, and that you need your sandwiches cut into triangles. He’s going to know how you feel without you telling him, that you need a wee from a look on your face, and that you’re crying without shedding tears. He’s going to know all of it. Everything. You, from top to bottom and inside out. From learning, from sharing, from listening, from watching. He’s going to know every single thing there is to know, and you know what else? He is still going to love you.”
Anson (via theperkofbeinginfinite)

09.16.13

how do we repair ourselves?  is there a way?
i want to move to London - my mind already has, leaving behind a void (or maybe that's my missing heart).
i want to be in love with him, but he lives in Paris so that kind-of means he's in love with every woman...  maybe he sees me in them?
   so - let it be settled:  i want to be settled.
(maybe i wasn't cut out for happiness the way everyone else seems to be)

09.11.13

“two people who were once very close can
without blame
or grand betrayal
become strangers.
perhaps this is the saddest thing in the world.” 
― Warsan Shire

somehow - this reminds me of serval things and people.

i am in a new place, with new dynamics, but constantly reminded of a past life...

i wonder about how we got here?  did we just start mid conversation and picked up where we left off in some other life?  because, i never knew about your pain or soreness - and i know you knew nothing of mine.  i just know that i was drawn to a strength and peace you seemed to so effortless offer (and some will tell me - maybe even you - that it was projected, but i don't believe that to be true).  it took some time for us to actually open to know each other.  maybe i just move slowly.  i know i did with him and lost so much time.  "boundaries" they tell me.  what does that mean?  we lose time and hearts to time and boundaries...  maybe it was easy with him because he and i picked up mid-conversation too.  maybe the language barrier allowed us to communicate more honestly with the words we knew.

maybe.

  

08.21.13

Virgo Horoscope for week of August 22, 2013

Novelist James Joyce once articulated an extreme wish that other writers have probably felt but never actually said. "The demand that I make of my reader," said Joyce, "is that he should devote his whole life to reading my works." Was he being mischievous? Maybe. But he never apologized or issued a retraction. Your assignment, Virgo, is to conjure up your own version of that wild desire: a clear statement of exactly what you really, really want in all of its extravagant glory. I think it'll be healthy for you to identify this pure and naked longing. (P.S. I'm not implying that you should immediately try to get it fulfilled, though. For now, the important thing is knowing what it is.) 

Maybe it is time for all of us to ask what we want, live our lives fully and honorable and prepare ourselves for the bestowals of the universe. 

07.14.13

me:   you are not most people
him:  we are not most ppl

it's be a heck of a week.  so much to take in, and even more to let go of.  i have forgotten faces, places, feelings (and we know that is strange for me - because i don't forget most nothing), but i can't seem to forget the things i really want to.

me:  (insert heartbreak and tears)
her:  (insert unparalleled love and support)

what happens when we sit still,  i wonder?  i don't think we are meant to.  i don't think we are ever meant to catch our breath, it's just one hit after another - and there is no magic for us (we make the magic).  We are the wizards that the world no longer really sees (she and i would be in Gryffindor for sure, whereas i am not sure about he.  he'd be more interested in the colors than the house - but Gryffindor all the same [because the first thing i ever gave him would match]).

i think of you two a lot.  i try to stop thinking that i have a top five, but i do - and you two are fixed.  a permanent feature of my soul.  the feature(s) that makes me smile from ear to ear (and year to year) - because the best of my memories include you and even in the worst you two are the parts that make me laugh at my own absurdities (which we all know that i am abundant in).

in five weeks i am getting on a plane taking me further from both of you, and a part of me is dying wondering why that flight is not going towards you - and then i hear your hearts speak:  "chase your dream, we'll always be here..."  and i know/trust you know that at a moment's notice i'd be there with you, and i will be (soon).

no amount of poetry will bring us closer, all the blank spaces in-between the letters and words are ours and their meanings our space to travel back and forth to each other.  and the salty beach skins, and midnight talks and walks and tears and breakups and ashes and jars full of butts and falling asleep feeling safe...  we have to do that again - soon.  replaced now with laughter, and seeing how long it will take before she tells us to shut up (but really her way of saying "i love you two f!-ups"), and how long before he finds a piano or before i find book/dvd to dive into  (may i suggest 'pitch perfect'?), and the sweet scent of vanilla tea...  and we are not most ppl.

for that i am grateful.
     for you (two) i am grateful.
          for that, this last week becomes the past.

(also - that mixcd, it came out pretty cool i think.  hope you like it...)

07.13.13

Me:    ...and i'm just saying that i better get an invite for your wedding/baby shower/everything...
Me:    yep - i've decided that we're that close
You:  LOL! At the rate we are going - you would be at my funeral too! :-)

you haven't received my letter, yet.  you don't know what it is about, yet.  you don't really know how i feel about life and death, yet - but this all came up today.

i've been thinking a lot about him this week ('dus).  feel almost immobile by it - not because of him, but because it makes me wonder what i have at my disposal:  life.  it makes me so grateful for all that is in front of me:  love.  makes me hopeful and want to work harder.  fuck trying - do more, be more, love more, give more...  and expect less.

i wanted to tell you in my own way that i love you, so ...

Me:    um - or be waiting for you on the otherside

          i believe in the possibility of forever

07.08.13 (refection on marilyn)

“I’ve never fooled anyone. I’ve let people fool themselves. They didn’t bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn’t argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn’t.”  
Marilyn Monroe

there are times when i feel as though we were/are friends...  as though the quotes attributed to you are the echoes of a conversation past and i was in the room as you said it.  maybe we were friends, maybe we are.  i can't possibly understand what it was like to be you, to know you or be your friend.  where-ever you are, i do think about you and thank you.  (did any one ever just thank you?)

  

07.07.13 (a retrospect)

You are tired,

(I think)
Of the always puzzle of living and doing;
And so am I.

Come with me, then,
And we'll leave it far and far away—
(Only you and I, understand!)

You have played,
(I think)
And broke the toys you were fondest of,
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break, and—
Just tired.
So am I.

But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight,
And knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart—
Open to me!
For I will show you the places Nobody knows,
And, if you like,
The perfect places of Sleep.

Ah, come with me!
I'll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon,
That floats forever and a day;
I'll sing you the jacinth song
Of the probable stars;
I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream,
Until I find the Only Flower,
Which shall keep (I think) your little heart
While the moon comes out of the sea.

e.e. cummings

i'm not all too certain if you and i are the only two with an escape plan; though i do believe we have it for the same reason that [they] do not understand ours.  you used to say:  montana.  i'm moving to montana to become a gas attendant.  you can become a waitress and i'll read hemingway while you read kerouac.

we always talk about that escape plan - don't we?, but it's never together (you and me).  so seldom do we (the independent you and the independent me) do anything with other people and feel as though we are with them.  most of the time we feel alone.  our own solitary confinement i suppose (who needs a prison when you already have one).  i'd say let's try something together - but the idea of you saying "no" is enough for me to not ask and find joy in knowing you exist.

i've found my peace, my happiness.  a sort of contentment with the universe.  (you want to mess with me, cool.  but, know this:  i will fight back with a fierce force that only God provides those who want to love...  and i want to love.)  

so....    i will find that flower (for you), and will always pray for both our hearts to be happy - in the ways that only they may be.