03.14.2014

the advice we give and receive, i am observing, is so heavily based on our experiences, that often we may not know what it is we are actually receiving or offering.  i suppose, above all else: we must remember love, we must always choose love, but when it gets to the bones of it - we must apply respect.

i recently shared a hurtful experience with three very different friends, and received three very different responses.  BUT - at the heart of all three:  you are worth more, you deserve better.

we are all worth more than we believe.  we all deserve better than we allow ourselves.

so - maybe in addition to respect:  forgiveness?  yes.  forgiveness.  of where the pain originated from, and towards ourselves (for allowing ourselves to be hurt to begin with).

and with forgiveness comes a sort of peace, and then hopefully joy.  it could be (in a slippery slope way) suggested then that by choosing love we chose respect, forgiveness, peace and joy? (maybe.)

i have taken the foundation of all three advices and have accepted where i stand in the light of the truth of circumstances - as uncomfortable as it may be.  moving on - with love.

i am happy.  i am loved.  i search for forgiveness and peace (and in some brief moments find it).  it's all unknown to me, and for the most part i don't get it.  but what i do got are amazing friends and family that exercise patience with me, and somehow manage to speak my language (on most occasions).  above that - they have created a space for me to feel safe, and that is how i know.  (thank you my usuals)

03.06.2014

i spent some time with a friend today.  she has experienced heart break and betrayal.  she has faced it boldly and openly.  to say i am proud of her is strange - she is living up to the light in her, so to expect less would be the strange thing.

after we talked, i got to reflecting.  i tend to try so hard, until i can't try/do anymore.  well - i used to.  now - i'm not so sure.

as another friend pointed out to me a few weeks ago (paraphrased):
friend:  you bounce back faster.  like, way faster.
me:  that's a good thing?
friend:  yeah.
me:  okay.
*silent beat*
me:  most of the time i just don't know.
friend:  about what?
me:  everything...  people...  everything.

so, i suppose, the thing is this:  i don't want to fight for people, i don't want people to fight for me - i want peace.  i want ease.  i want challenge but not out right difficulty.  i want to expect and have things expected of me....  i want to trust.  i want to be trusted.

me:  i think i was born in the wrong era.
friend:  no you weren't.  you just have to find a way to understand that people don't all love the same.
me:  so what do i do?
friend:  keep loving, but you don't have to do anymore than you have.
me:  but...
friend:  love from a distance.  pray, meditate, send all of your love over...  just not yourself.
me:  oh...

so.  i am sending all of my love over (and possibly a bit of myself).  do you feel it?

03.04.2014

hooked.  that's what a friend of mine calls it.  this process that i am experiencing.  it's kindof exciting because it is not at all crippling.  it's actually surreal.  detachment from a place of health and conscience.  peaceful and almost happy.

hooked.  like a fish?  like a junkie?  no - not a junkie...  there is no high - only crashes.  so a fish.  there is an embedding of moments, experiences, hopes, (dare i say) expectations.  i am ok with expectations.  i am okay with hopes, experiences and moments - and perhaps that is why i am okay with the scar that this unhooking will leave.  it'll be a fond reminder of some really good (some great) moments.  it'll be a reminder that i survived and grew thicker skin (and yet still choose to get back out into life and give all the love i am capable of giving...).

hooked.  yeah - that's a good word.  and during these nineteen days i am working on letting go.  holding on to all the love, and sending so much love, but letting go.  (and strange that you make it so easy)

pretend time is over - i'm ready for real.

02.19.2014

"you know - i really wonder sometimes if i am just not cut out for this world.  i mean - i love it, and have immense moments of happiness, but most of the time i feel like i'm just stumbling through a forest of people and i have no compass.

not being emo - just reflecting on my lack of understanding people.  myself.  life.

all the stuff of the making of a good writer and movie maker i suppose."

10.29.2013

“One day, he’s going to know. He’ll know your birthday, your middle name, where you were born, your star sign, and your parents names. He’ll know how old you were when you learned to ride a bike, how your grandparents passed away, how many pets you had, and how much you hated going to school. He’ll know your eye colour, your scars, your freckles, your laugh lines and your birth marks. He’ll know your favourite book, movie, candy, food, pair of shoes, colour, and song. He’s going to know why you’re awake at 5am most nights, where you were when you realised you’d lost a good friend, why you picked up the razor and how you managed to put it down before things went too far. He’s going to know your phobias, your dreams, your fears, your wishes, and your worries. He’s going to know about your first heartbreak, your dream wedding, and your problems with your parents. He’ll know your strengths, weaknesses, laziness, energy, and your mixed emotions. He’s going to know about your love for mayonnaise, your dream of being famous when you were five, your need to quote any film you know all the way through, and your fear of growing older. He’ll know your bad habits, your mannerisms, your stroppy pout, your facial expressions, and your laugh like it’s his favourite song. The way you chew, drink, walk, sleep, fidget and kiss. He’s going to know that you’ve already picked out wedding flowers, baby names, tiles for the bathroom, bridesmaid dresses, and the colour of your bedroom walls. He’s going to know, get annoyed at and then accept that you leave clothes everywhere, take twenty minutes to order a Starbucks, have to organise your DVD’s alphabetically, and check your horoscope… just incase. He’ll know your McDonald’s order, how many sugars to put in your tea, how many scoops of ice cream you want, and that you need your sandwiches cut into triangles. He’s going to know how you feel without you telling him, that you need a wee from a look on your face, and that you’re crying without shedding tears. He’s going to know all of it. Everything. You, from top to bottom and inside out. From learning, from sharing, from listening, from watching. He’s going to know every single thing there is to know, and you know what else? He is still going to love you.”
Anson (via theperkofbeinginfinite)