08.11.2015

it's been a while.

things have been rushed.  slow.  painfully intangible.  sometimes, all too real.  wonderful.

happy?  sure, why not.
    most of the time.

it's an effort though, no?  most of the time, yes.
   it's a decision.  i chose, yes "i am happy" - because i know the alternative and that is boring, and predictable.

my friend did this thing...  thought it was insightful... so, for fun:

A- Age: ...

B- Biggest Fear: disappointing those i love, not being able to provide.

C- Current Time: 12:00 pm pst

D- Drink you last had: Water

E- Easiest Person To Talk to: Q and Mar (and Susi)

F- Favorite Song: i have a rotation.  

G- Grossest Memory: being told to know my place ...

H- Hometown: LA

I- In love with: love

J- Jealous Of: N/A

K- Killed Someone? Nope

L- Longest Relationship: 2 years

M- Middle Name: N/A

N- Number of Siblings: real 1, like....too many

O- One Wish: too many

P- Person who you last called: Lindsey McDowell

Q- Question you're always asked: Where are you from?

R- Reason to smile: Any

S- Song last sang: The Last Time (Gary Lightbody / Taylor Swift)

T- Time you woke up: 5:30am

U- Underwear Color: Grey

V- Vacation Destination: where i want?  London.

W- Worst Habit: too many

X- Xrays you've had: Everywhere

Y- Your favorite food: N/A

Z- Zodiac Sign: Virgo

Cheers.

10.31.2014

self assignment :  breathe.
self goal :  breathe.
                                                         i am awake, and as such:  there is hope.

i asked him how he does it.  get by.  (the answer was short, sweet, and honest.  but nothing i can use.  not for me.)
   |  for those who have been down the rabbit hole, it is hard to not remember it.  think about it.  sometimes even miss it.  there was a predictability in that unpredictability.  but me, i like steadiness.  i like routine.  i like commitment and the moreness of life.  |

self assignment :  serve more / do more / be more / love more  (and try to trust more)

10.28.2014

It's been a while.  I've been overwhelmed and underwhelmed...  I think the overriding feeling, however, has been:  not enough.
                                 i'm not enough.

It's an interesting life, this one.  Exhausting.  This is not a reflection of anything other than :  things should have turned out different, no?

I'd say a moment to catch my breath would be great, but I'm not sure a moment is enough.  I'm grateful, and sometimes sad.  I'm happy, and sometimes lacking.  I'm hopeful, and sometimes sure that this is it...

A friend last night said:  you need to write down what makes you feel vulnerable and play with that.
       
So.  It's been a while.  I've been overwhelmed and underwhelmed...  I think the overriding feeling, however, has been:  not enough.
                                            i'm disappointed that i have disappointed so many people (that i love and admire); including myself.

04.21.2014

Listening to Emeli Sande's version of "Every Teardrop Is a Waterfall" - the power of these verses ("cathedrals in my heart" - in particular) slay me every time.  The belief of something so massive, so sacred within us is a powerful concept and truth.  Hidden from the world, it is within us and that sacredness is there for us to share.  A prayerful/spiritual experience in sharing ourself with those we choose....  with that I reflect on a passage I heard many many years ago:  Matthew 19:24 : And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.  In connection to this, I think of the Baha'i passage:  All that is in heaven and earth I have ordained for thee, except the human heart, which I have made the habitation of My beauty and glory...

What this makes me feel - and though I know the connections are mine and lack full rationale and logic - is that that so much of the material and fears of this world just can't fit into our hearts, so we build up these walls around it making it harder for the light of love to come through to, into and from it.

We are so desperately playing the "game" that we waste time that could have been spent in the light of affection and love and hope and..........truth.

Cathedrals in my heart....  and sometimes, sometimes, I hear a choir singing.  I feel the vibrations of prayers.  I know of a truth that I have purpose.  Sometimes, I am able to recognize patrons of that edifice, because in the light of truth we can not hide the realities of love.

04.17.2014

i watched the movie "the big empty" years ago.  it struck me:  clever, witty and oh so cheerfully dark.

in it there was proposed a deeply metaphysical quest - and its answer led to the demise of the protagonist.  ain't that the way it (always) goes?

        no.  but, that 'always' is neither here nor there.

in my own personal quest for peace i find myself faced with many of my deepest vulnerabilities - and the beauty of that is :  know thyself.  since i am not a narcissist (lucky world), i am not hung up on knowing myself.  i am hung up on integrity and being there for others; taking my quest for peace to a deeper and more rooted level.  see there paradoxes there?  i do.  and i would say that i don't care what you think, but i do.  i just don't let it sit in me the ways it used to.

so it makes me wonder - now - what if you could really reach your quest.....what then?

      what if you woke up with a bandaid?  would that make it better?