12.19.2015

you came hurtling towards me at the speed of sound,
   i heard you coming.
   i saw you coming - and, in that difference between the the deafening boom and the blink of light...
   in that difference /distance - darkness.
i could not stop the collision and the explosion and the shattering...

   but, you are not the first disaster.

floods, eruption, chaos...  stillness, peace, then hope.

   the time between us counts in no way, so much so it counts in every way.  it was nothing.  and, everything.  

you were a meteor.  i was in your way.  was i in your way?
   the natural consequence:  my destruction.

next time: i will remind myself that i am not a planet, but a heart.
   i can move.
   i can save myself.
   i can hear the oceans shift and see the sun's rays and feel the changing of the winds...

you came and left and i have no idea what to do with this....
   thank you / i'm sorry...  (i wish we never met)

11.18.2015

making new friends terrifies me.  it's an onslaught of revealing and vulnerability and...  it's exhausting.  and, i love it.  it surprises me every time - it shouldn't, but it does.  what it doesn't do - however - is replace those who are (i can't think of a better word right now) safeguards, who are heroes, who are lights and loves of my soul.

i guess - today - i am hyper aware of the gratitude i feel for these external forces.  today - i am hyper aware of the powerful changes i have applied to my own internal forces....

may we all get goosebumps around those we love - however we love them.

08.11.2015

it's been a while.

things have been rushed.  slow.  painfully intangible.  sometimes, all too real.  wonderful.

happy?  sure, why not.
    most of the time.

it's an effort though, no?  most of the time, yes.
   it's a decision.  i chose, yes "i am happy" - because i know the alternative and that is boring, and predictable.

my friend did this thing...  thought it was insightful... so, for fun:

A- Age: ...

B- Biggest Fear: disappointing those i love, not being able to provide.

C- Current Time: 12:00 pm pst

D- Drink you last had: Water

E- Easiest Person To Talk to: Q and Mar (and Susi)

F- Favorite Song: i have a rotation.  

G- Grossest Memory: being told to know my place ...

H- Hometown: LA

I- In love with: love

J- Jealous Of: N/A

K- Killed Someone? Nope

L- Longest Relationship: 2 years

M- Middle Name: N/A

N- Number of Siblings: real 1, like....too many

O- One Wish: too many

P- Person who you last called: Lindsey McDowell

Q- Question you're always asked: Where are you from?

R- Reason to smile: Any

S- Song last sang: The Last Time (Gary Lightbody / Taylor Swift)

T- Time you woke up: 5:30am

U- Underwear Color: Grey

V- Vacation Destination: where i want?  London.

W- Worst Habit: too many

X- Xrays you've had: Everywhere

Y- Your favorite food: N/A

Z- Zodiac Sign: Virgo

Cheers.

10.31.2014

self assignment :  breathe.
self goal :  breathe.
                                                         i am awake, and as such:  there is hope.

i asked him how he does it.  get by.  (the answer was short, sweet, and honest.  but nothing i can use.  not for me.)
   |  for those who have been down the rabbit hole, it is hard to not remember it.  think about it.  sometimes even miss it.  there was a predictability in that unpredictability.  but me, i like steadiness.  i like routine.  i like commitment and the moreness of life.  |

self assignment :  serve more / do more / be more / love more  (and try to trust more)

10.28.2014

It's been a while.  I've been overwhelmed and underwhelmed...  I think the overriding feeling, however, has been:  not enough.
                                 i'm not enough.

It's an interesting life, this one.  Exhausting.  This is not a reflection of anything other than :  things should have turned out different, no?

I'd say a moment to catch my breath would be great, but I'm not sure a moment is enough.  I'm grateful, and sometimes sad.  I'm happy, and sometimes lacking.  I'm hopeful, and sometimes sure that this is it...

A friend last night said:  you need to write down what makes you feel vulnerable and play with that.
       
So.  It's been a while.  I've been overwhelmed and underwhelmed...  I think the overriding feeling, however, has been:  not enough.
                                            i'm disappointed that i have disappointed so many people (that i love and admire); including myself.