in·ces·sant

i have never really tried to define it.  nor have i really ever tried to share it.  there are some things you just don't need to share.  (several funny things come to mind, but i am trying to 'share')

there are times when i have an incessant feeling of not belonging, not being a part of --and more clearly feeling apart from-- life, feelings of being left behind or not adding up to.  i think that this is perhaps why i work so hard, press so hard, make my own paths ((if i don't fit into their world, then i will make one of my own)).  oh, please don't confuse these feelings with sadness.  i am not sad.  i am happy - undefinably (yes, i made that word up, i think) happy.  but, there are moments when my heart skips a beat, thinking....  did i miss something, or more precisely:  am i missing something.

i am so grateful, so aware of my circumstance and opportunity...  and this is by no means a complaint, this is (however) a vocalizing of a life time of -->>  where do i belong?  where do i fit in?  where is home, and (dear GOD) how do i get there...

so, until i find these answer:  i will continue to press on, i will continue to do my utmost to share light, love, joy and peace (and please understand my selfishness if i can not - do not- know how to share the other stuff), i will continue to forge on.

light begets light.  love begets love.  faith begets faith.  and i hold on to hope - and will share it with you (always).

always.

heart conflicts

there are times when we feel a clear conflict in our heart - those are easier to address (easier being a relative concept).  but, what about those that are not so clear and you feel kindof icky about?  those, too, need addressing.  the challenge is how, and why (are you feeling icky).

are you feeling icky because of you, or because of the circumstance/person.  is it your ego, or it is that you are challenged, or is it that your bluff was called, or that you are diving into uncharted territories... there are so many reasons to feel "conflicted", and what is critical is addressing the why.

sometimes we feel this feeling because there is an actual awkwardness or wrong, or general uneasiness; sometimes it's just something new we have yet to explore.

recently i have been seriously addressing the ickies - the why, the how, and the will it matter in ten years.  if it will matter in ten years - i will address it. 

it is important to allow yourself opportunities of growth and peace, but there is no need to force a matter of the heart.  life is meant for us to experience, for us to find happiness, peace, joy, love and light...  sure, we are tested and challenged, we are placed into hard times and moments and some even into really hard lives - but it is here for us to rise above and live freely carried by the wings of our soul.

why surround yourself with the weight and armor of those that don't want to see you fly?  you don't have to agree or believe in the same things, but common and mutual respect and love are basic needs...

find your light and breathe it in deeply...  heart conflicts dissolve in the light of love and truth, and (even though sometimes this is what we actually fear) letting go is okay. 

heart explosion

i read blogs - inconsistently.
i write blogs - inconsistently.

but i love consistently. 

had the lovilest of walks today - reminded me of why being open is so much more important than afraid or hesitant.

life is too short.  love in abundance.  enter into life with eyes wide open, and your heart even more so.  sure, you'll get hurt -- but that's what life is about.  experiencing.  we learn, we adapt.  but it's too short to pretend like we are salmon.  we're not.  (shocking - i know)  we don't have to fight a current - we only have to check/fight our own ego. 

thank you universe for today.  yet another shift in reminding me that it really is all about love and happiness.