10.31.2014

self assignment :  breathe.
self goal :  breathe.
                                                         i am awake, and as such:  there is hope.

i asked him how he does it.  get by.  (the answer was short, sweet, and honest.  but nothing i can use.  not for me.)
   |  for those who have been down the rabbit hole, it is hard to not remember it.  think about it.  sometimes even miss it.  there was a predictability in that unpredictability.  but me, i like steadiness.  i like routine.  i like commitment and the moreness of life.  |

self assignment :  serve more / do more / be more / love more  (and try to trust more)

10.28.2014

It's been a while.  I've been overwhelmed and underwhelmed...  I think the overriding feeling, however, has been:  not enough.
                                 i'm not enough.

It's an interesting life, this one.  Exhausting.  This is not a reflection of anything other than :  things should have turned out different, no?

I'd say a moment to catch my breath would be great, but I'm not sure a moment is enough.  I'm grateful, and sometimes sad.  I'm happy, and sometimes lacking.  I'm hopeful, and sometimes sure that this is it...

A friend last night said:  you need to write down what makes you feel vulnerable and play with that.
       
So.  It's been a while.  I've been overwhelmed and underwhelmed...  I think the overriding feeling, however, has been:  not enough.
                                            i'm disappointed that i have disappointed so many people (that i love and admire); including myself.

04.21.2014

Listening to Emeli Sande's version of "Every Teardrop Is a Waterfall" - the power of these verses ("cathedrals in my heart" - in particular) slay me every time.  The belief of something so massive, so sacred within us is a powerful concept and truth.  Hidden from the world, it is within us and that sacredness is there for us to share.  A prayerful/spiritual experience in sharing ourself with those we choose....  with that I reflect on a passage I heard many many years ago:  Matthew 19:24 : And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.  In connection to this, I think of the Baha'i passage:  All that is in heaven and earth I have ordained for thee, except the human heart, which I have made the habitation of My beauty and glory...

What this makes me feel - and though I know the connections are mine and lack full rationale and logic - is that that so much of the material and fears of this world just can't fit into our hearts, so we build up these walls around it making it harder for the light of love to come through to, into and from it.

We are so desperately playing the "game" that we waste time that could have been spent in the light of affection and love and hope and..........truth.

Cathedrals in my heart....  and sometimes, sometimes, I hear a choir singing.  I feel the vibrations of prayers.  I know of a truth that I have purpose.  Sometimes, I am able to recognize patrons of that edifice, because in the light of truth we can not hide the realities of love.

04.17.2014

i watched the movie "the big empty" years ago.  it struck me:  clever, witty and oh so cheerfully dark.

in it there was proposed a deeply metaphysical quest - and its answer led to the demise of the protagonist.  ain't that the way it (always) goes?

        no.  but, that 'always' is neither here nor there.

in my own personal quest for peace i find myself faced with many of my deepest vulnerabilities - and the beauty of that is :  know thyself.  since i am not a narcissist (lucky world), i am not hung up on knowing myself.  i am hung up on integrity and being there for others; taking my quest for peace to a deeper and more rooted level.  see there paradoxes there?  i do.  and i would say that i don't care what you think, but i do.  i just don't let it sit in me the ways it used to.

so it makes me wonder - now - what if you could really reach your quest.....what then?

      what if you woke up with a bandaid?  would that make it better? 

03.14.2014

the advice we give and receive, i am observing, is so heavily based on our experiences, that often we may not know what it is we are actually receiving or offering.  i suppose, above all else: we must remember love, we must always choose love, but when it gets to the bones of it - we must apply respect.

i recently shared a hurtful experience with three very different friends, and received three very different responses.  BUT - at the heart of all three:  you are worth more, you deserve better.

we are all worth more than we believe.  we all deserve better than we allow ourselves.

so - maybe in addition to respect:  forgiveness?  yes.  forgiveness.  of where the pain originated from, and towards ourselves (for allowing ourselves to be hurt to begin with).

and with forgiveness comes a sort of peace, and then hopefully joy.  it could be (in a slippery slope way) suggested then that by choosing love we chose respect, forgiveness, peace and joy? (maybe.)

i have taken the foundation of all three advices and have accepted where i stand in the light of the truth of circumstances - as uncomfortable as it may be.  moving on - with love.

i am happy.  i am loved.  i search for forgiveness and peace (and in some brief moments find it).  it's all unknown to me, and for the most part i don't get it.  but what i do got are amazing friends and family that exercise patience with me, and somehow manage to speak my language (on most occasions).  above that - they have created a space for me to feel safe, and that is how i know.  (thank you my usuals)

03.06.2014

i spent some time with a friend today.  she has experienced heart break and betrayal.  she has faced it boldly and openly.  to say i am proud of her is strange - she is living up to the light in her, so to expect less would be the strange thing.

after we talked, i got to reflecting.  i tend to try so hard, until i can't try/do anymore.  well - i used to.  now - i'm not so sure.

as another friend pointed out to me a few weeks ago (paraphrased):
friend:  you bounce back faster.  like, way faster.
me:  that's a good thing?
friend:  yeah.
me:  okay.
*silent beat*
me:  most of the time i just don't know.
friend:  about what?
me:  everything...  people...  everything.

so, i suppose, the thing is this:  i don't want to fight for people, i don't want people to fight for me - i want peace.  i want ease.  i want challenge but not out right difficulty.  i want to expect and have things expected of me....  i want to trust.  i want to be trusted.

me:  i think i was born in the wrong era.
friend:  no you weren't.  you just have to find a way to understand that people don't all love the same.
me:  so what do i do?
friend:  keep loving, but you don't have to do anymore than you have.
me:  but...
friend:  love from a distance.  pray, meditate, send all of your love over...  just not yourself.
me:  oh...

so.  i am sending all of my love over (and possibly a bit of myself).  do you feel it?

03.04.2014

hooked.  that's what a friend of mine calls it.  this process that i am experiencing.  it's kindof exciting because it is not at all crippling.  it's actually surreal.  detachment from a place of health and conscience.  peaceful and almost happy.

hooked.  like a fish?  like a junkie?  no - not a junkie...  there is no high - only crashes.  so a fish.  there is an embedding of moments, experiences, hopes, (dare i say) expectations.  i am ok with expectations.  i am okay with hopes, experiences and moments - and perhaps that is why i am okay with the scar that this unhooking will leave.  it'll be a fond reminder of some really good (some great) moments.  it'll be a reminder that i survived and grew thicker skin (and yet still choose to get back out into life and give all the love i am capable of giving...).

hooked.  yeah - that's a good word.  and during these nineteen days i am working on letting go.  holding on to all the love, and sending so much love, but letting go.  (and strange that you make it so easy)

pretend time is over - i'm ready for real.

02.19.2014

"you know - i really wonder sometimes if i am just not cut out for this world.  i mean - i love it, and have immense moments of happiness, but most of the time i feel like i'm just stumbling through a forest of people and i have no compass.

not being emo - just reflecting on my lack of understanding people.  myself.  life.

all the stuff of the making of a good writer and movie maker i suppose."