03.14.2014

the advice we give and receive, i am observing, is so heavily based on our experiences, that often we may not know what it is we are actually receiving or offering.  i suppose, above all else: we must remember love, we must always choose love, but when it gets to the bones of it - we must apply respect.

i recently shared a hurtful experience with three very different friends, and received three very different responses.  BUT - at the heart of all three:  you are worth more, you deserve better.

we are all worth more than we believe.  we all deserve better than we allow ourselves.

so - maybe in addition to respect:  forgiveness?  yes.  forgiveness.  of where the pain originated from, and towards ourselves (for allowing ourselves to be hurt to begin with).

and with forgiveness comes a sort of peace, and then hopefully joy.  it could be (in a slippery slope way) suggested then that by choosing love we chose respect, forgiveness, peace and joy? (maybe.)

i have taken the foundation of all three advices and have accepted where i stand in the light of the truth of circumstances - as uncomfortable as it may be.  moving on - with love.

i am happy.  i am loved.  i search for forgiveness and peace (and in some brief moments find it).  it's all unknown to me, and for the most part i don't get it.  but what i do got are amazing friends and family that exercise patience with me, and somehow manage to speak my language (on most occasions).  above that - they have created a space for me to feel safe, and that is how i know.  (thank you my usuals)

03.06.2014

i spent some time with a friend today.  she has experienced heart break and betrayal.  she has faced it boldly and openly.  to say i am proud of her is strange - she is living up to the light in her, so to expect less would be the strange thing.

after we talked, i got to reflecting.  i tend to try so hard, until i can't try/do anymore.  well - i used to.  now - i'm not so sure.

as another friend pointed out to me a few weeks ago (paraphrased):
friend:  you bounce back faster.  like, way faster.
me:  that's a good thing?
friend:  yeah.
me:  okay.
*silent beat*
me:  most of the time i just don't know.
friend:  about what?
me:  everything...  people...  everything.

so, i suppose, the thing is this:  i don't want to fight for people, i don't want people to fight for me - i want peace.  i want ease.  i want challenge but not out right difficulty.  i want to expect and have things expected of me....  i want to trust.  i want to be trusted.

me:  i think i was born in the wrong era.
friend:  no you weren't.  you just have to find a way to understand that people don't all love the same.
me:  so what do i do?
friend:  keep loving, but you don't have to do anymore than you have.
me:  but...
friend:  love from a distance.  pray, meditate, send all of your love over...  just not yourself.
me:  oh...

so.  i am sending all of my love over (and possibly a bit of myself).  do you feel it?

03.04.2014

hooked.  that's what a friend of mine calls it.  this process that i am experiencing.  it's kindof exciting because it is not at all crippling.  it's actually surreal.  detachment from a place of health and conscience.  peaceful and almost happy.

hooked.  like a fish?  like a junkie?  no - not a junkie...  there is no high - only crashes.  so a fish.  there is an embedding of moments, experiences, hopes, (dare i say) expectations.  i am ok with expectations.  i am okay with hopes, experiences and moments - and perhaps that is why i am okay with the scar that this unhooking will leave.  it'll be a fond reminder of some really good (some great) moments.  it'll be a reminder that i survived and grew thicker skin (and yet still choose to get back out into life and give all the love i am capable of giving...).

hooked.  yeah - that's a good word.  and during these nineteen days i am working on letting go.  holding on to all the love, and sending so much love, but letting go.  (and strange that you make it so easy)

pretend time is over - i'm ready for real.