07.14.13

me:   you are not most people
him:  we are not most ppl

it's be a heck of a week.  so much to take in, and even more to let go of.  i have forgotten faces, places, feelings (and we know that is strange for me - because i don't forget most nothing), but i can't seem to forget the things i really want to.

me:  (insert heartbreak and tears)
her:  (insert unparalleled love and support)

what happens when we sit still,  i wonder?  i don't think we are meant to.  i don't think we are ever meant to catch our breath, it's just one hit after another - and there is no magic for us (we make the magic).  We are the wizards that the world no longer really sees (she and i would be in Gryffindor for sure, whereas i am not sure about he.  he'd be more interested in the colors than the house - but Gryffindor all the same [because the first thing i ever gave him would match]).

i think of you two a lot.  i try to stop thinking that i have a top five, but i do - and you two are fixed.  a permanent feature of my soul.  the feature(s) that makes me smile from ear to ear (and year to year) - because the best of my memories include you and even in the worst you two are the parts that make me laugh at my own absurdities (which we all know that i am abundant in).

in five weeks i am getting on a plane taking me further from both of you, and a part of me is dying wondering why that flight is not going towards you - and then i hear your hearts speak:  "chase your dream, we'll always be here..."  and i know/trust you know that at a moment's notice i'd be there with you, and i will be (soon).

no amount of poetry will bring us closer, all the blank spaces in-between the letters and words are ours and their meanings our space to travel back and forth to each other.  and the salty beach skins, and midnight talks and walks and tears and breakups and ashes and jars full of butts and falling asleep feeling safe...  we have to do that again - soon.  replaced now with laughter, and seeing how long it will take before she tells us to shut up (but really her way of saying "i love you two f!-ups"), and how long before he finds a piano or before i find book/dvd to dive into  (may i suggest 'pitch perfect'?), and the sweet scent of vanilla tea...  and we are not most ppl.

for that i am grateful.
     for you (two) i am grateful.
          for that, this last week becomes the past.

(also - that mixcd, it came out pretty cool i think.  hope you like it...)

07.13.13

Me:    ...and i'm just saying that i better get an invite for your wedding/baby shower/everything...
Me:    yep - i've decided that we're that close
You:  LOL! At the rate we are going - you would be at my funeral too! :-)

you haven't received my letter, yet.  you don't know what it is about, yet.  you don't really know how i feel about life and death, yet - but this all came up today.

i've been thinking a lot about him this week ('dus).  feel almost immobile by it - not because of him, but because it makes me wonder what i have at my disposal:  life.  it makes me so grateful for all that is in front of me:  love.  makes me hopeful and want to work harder.  fuck trying - do more, be more, love more, give more...  and expect less.

i wanted to tell you in my own way that i love you, so ...

Me:    um - or be waiting for you on the otherside

          i believe in the possibility of forever

07.08.13 (refection on marilyn)

“I’ve never fooled anyone. I’ve let people fool themselves. They didn’t bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn’t argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn’t.”  
Marilyn Monroe

there are times when i feel as though we were/are friends...  as though the quotes attributed to you are the echoes of a conversation past and i was in the room as you said it.  maybe we were friends, maybe we are.  i can't possibly understand what it was like to be you, to know you or be your friend.  where-ever you are, i do think about you and thank you.  (did any one ever just thank you?)

  

07.07.13 (a retrospect)

You are tired,

(I think)
Of the always puzzle of living and doing;
And so am I.

Come with me, then,
And we'll leave it far and far away—
(Only you and I, understand!)

You have played,
(I think)
And broke the toys you were fondest of,
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break, and—
Just tired.
So am I.

But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight,
And knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart—
Open to me!
For I will show you the places Nobody knows,
And, if you like,
The perfect places of Sleep.

Ah, come with me!
I'll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon,
That floats forever and a day;
I'll sing you the jacinth song
Of the probable stars;
I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream,
Until I find the Only Flower,
Which shall keep (I think) your little heart
While the moon comes out of the sea.

e.e. cummings

i'm not all too certain if you and i are the only two with an escape plan; though i do believe we have it for the same reason that [they] do not understand ours.  you used to say:  montana.  i'm moving to montana to become a gas attendant.  you can become a waitress and i'll read hemingway while you read kerouac.

we always talk about that escape plan - don't we?, but it's never together (you and me).  so seldom do we (the independent you and the independent me) do anything with other people and feel as though we are with them.  most of the time we feel alone.  our own solitary confinement i suppose (who needs a prison when you already have one).  i'd say let's try something together - but the idea of you saying "no" is enough for me to not ask and find joy in knowing you exist.

i've found my peace, my happiness.  a sort of contentment with the universe.  (you want to mess with me, cool.  but, know this:  i will fight back with a fierce force that only God provides those who want to love...  and i want to love.)  

so....    i will find that flower (for you), and will always pray for both our hearts to be happy - in the ways that only they may be.

07.05.13

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth.” 
― Jess C. Scott, The Intern

There is an echo in your voice I can not reach.  I see you, I know you, but there is a space between that -no matter how strong my faith- I fear you do not wish me to cover.  So, I will wait.  Patiently wait.  And even if never is as close to you as I get, I will still hold to faith and hope - because this is what we do for love.  We survive.  We build.  We hope and we forgive.  We wait and in waiting serve the world around us...  because love requires actions and not words.  Words are lovely - like the petting of hair or a soft blink - but what LOVE requires is fierce devotion.  The bold hug that hearts beat through skin, the breath lost with a simple hand hold, the knowing sacrifice of time and energy and no thought other than:  can I do more for you.

The way you say my name sounds different...  and from the moment I met you I knew:  we are eternal.