10.29.2013

“One day, he’s going to know. He’ll know your birthday, your middle name, where you were born, your star sign, and your parents names. He’ll know how old you were when you learned to ride a bike, how your grandparents passed away, how many pets you had, and how much you hated going to school. He’ll know your eye colour, your scars, your freckles, your laugh lines and your birth marks. He’ll know your favourite book, movie, candy, food, pair of shoes, colour, and song. He’s going to know why you’re awake at 5am most nights, where you were when you realised you’d lost a good friend, why you picked up the razor and how you managed to put it down before things went too far. He’s going to know your phobias, your dreams, your fears, your wishes, and your worries. He’s going to know about your first heartbreak, your dream wedding, and your problems with your parents. He’ll know your strengths, weaknesses, laziness, energy, and your mixed emotions. He’s going to know about your love for mayonnaise, your dream of being famous when you were five, your need to quote any film you know all the way through, and your fear of growing older. He’ll know your bad habits, your mannerisms, your stroppy pout, your facial expressions, and your laugh like it’s his favourite song. The way you chew, drink, walk, sleep, fidget and kiss. He’s going to know that you’ve already picked out wedding flowers, baby names, tiles for the bathroom, bridesmaid dresses, and the colour of your bedroom walls. He’s going to know, get annoyed at and then accept that you leave clothes everywhere, take twenty minutes to order a Starbucks, have to organise your DVD’s alphabetically, and check your horoscope… just incase. He’ll know your McDonald’s order, how many sugars to put in your tea, how many scoops of ice cream you want, and that you need your sandwiches cut into triangles. He’s going to know how you feel without you telling him, that you need a wee from a look on your face, and that you’re crying without shedding tears. He’s going to know all of it. Everything. You, from top to bottom and inside out. From learning, from sharing, from listening, from watching. He’s going to know every single thing there is to know, and you know what else? He is still going to love you.”
Anson (via theperkofbeinginfinite)

09.16.13

how do we repair ourselves?  is there a way?
i want to move to London - my mind already has, leaving behind a void (or maybe that's my missing heart).
i want to be in love with him, but he lives in Paris so that kind-of means he's in love with every woman...  maybe he sees me in them?
   so - let it be settled:  i want to be settled.
(maybe i wasn't cut out for happiness the way everyone else seems to be)

09.11.13

“two people who were once very close can
without blame
or grand betrayal
become strangers.
perhaps this is the saddest thing in the world.” 
― Warsan Shire

somehow - this reminds me of serval things and people.

i am in a new place, with new dynamics, but constantly reminded of a past life...

i wonder about how we got here?  did we just start mid conversation and picked up where we left off in some other life?  because, i never knew about your pain or soreness - and i know you knew nothing of mine.  i just know that i was drawn to a strength and peace you seemed to so effortless offer (and some will tell me - maybe even you - that it was projected, but i don't believe that to be true).  it took some time for us to actually open to know each other.  maybe i just move slowly.  i know i did with him and lost so much time.  "boundaries" they tell me.  what does that mean?  we lose time and hearts to time and boundaries...  maybe it was easy with him because he and i picked up mid-conversation too.  maybe the language barrier allowed us to communicate more honestly with the words we knew.

maybe.

  

08.21.13

Virgo Horoscope for week of August 22, 2013

Novelist James Joyce once articulated an extreme wish that other writers have probably felt but never actually said. "The demand that I make of my reader," said Joyce, "is that he should devote his whole life to reading my works." Was he being mischievous? Maybe. But he never apologized or issued a retraction. Your assignment, Virgo, is to conjure up your own version of that wild desire: a clear statement of exactly what you really, really want in all of its extravagant glory. I think it'll be healthy for you to identify this pure and naked longing. (P.S. I'm not implying that you should immediately try to get it fulfilled, though. For now, the important thing is knowing what it is.) 

Maybe it is time for all of us to ask what we want, live our lives fully and honorable and prepare ourselves for the bestowals of the universe. 

07.14.13

me:   you are not most people
him:  we are not most ppl

it's be a heck of a week.  so much to take in, and even more to let go of.  i have forgotten faces, places, feelings (and we know that is strange for me - because i don't forget most nothing), but i can't seem to forget the things i really want to.

me:  (insert heartbreak and tears)
her:  (insert unparalleled love and support)

what happens when we sit still,  i wonder?  i don't think we are meant to.  i don't think we are ever meant to catch our breath, it's just one hit after another - and there is no magic for us (we make the magic).  We are the wizards that the world no longer really sees (she and i would be in Gryffindor for sure, whereas i am not sure about he.  he'd be more interested in the colors than the house - but Gryffindor all the same [because the first thing i ever gave him would match]).

i think of you two a lot.  i try to stop thinking that i have a top five, but i do - and you two are fixed.  a permanent feature of my soul.  the feature(s) that makes me smile from ear to ear (and year to year) - because the best of my memories include you and even in the worst you two are the parts that make me laugh at my own absurdities (which we all know that i am abundant in).

in five weeks i am getting on a plane taking me further from both of you, and a part of me is dying wondering why that flight is not going towards you - and then i hear your hearts speak:  "chase your dream, we'll always be here..."  and i know/trust you know that at a moment's notice i'd be there with you, and i will be (soon).

no amount of poetry will bring us closer, all the blank spaces in-between the letters and words are ours and their meanings our space to travel back and forth to each other.  and the salty beach skins, and midnight talks and walks and tears and breakups and ashes and jars full of butts and falling asleep feeling safe...  we have to do that again - soon.  replaced now with laughter, and seeing how long it will take before she tells us to shut up (but really her way of saying "i love you two f!-ups"), and how long before he finds a piano or before i find book/dvd to dive into  (may i suggest 'pitch perfect'?), and the sweet scent of vanilla tea...  and we are not most ppl.

for that i am grateful.
     for you (two) i am grateful.
          for that, this last week becomes the past.

(also - that mixcd, it came out pretty cool i think.  hope you like it...)

07.13.13

Me:    ...and i'm just saying that i better get an invite for your wedding/baby shower/everything...
Me:    yep - i've decided that we're that close
You:  LOL! At the rate we are going - you would be at my funeral too! :-)

you haven't received my letter, yet.  you don't know what it is about, yet.  you don't really know how i feel about life and death, yet - but this all came up today.

i've been thinking a lot about him this week ('dus).  feel almost immobile by it - not because of him, but because it makes me wonder what i have at my disposal:  life.  it makes me so grateful for all that is in front of me:  love.  makes me hopeful and want to work harder.  fuck trying - do more, be more, love more, give more...  and expect less.

i wanted to tell you in my own way that i love you, so ...

Me:    um - or be waiting for you on the otherside

          i believe in the possibility of forever

07.08.13 (refection on marilyn)

“I’ve never fooled anyone. I’ve let people fool themselves. They didn’t bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn’t argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn’t.”  
Marilyn Monroe

there are times when i feel as though we were/are friends...  as though the quotes attributed to you are the echoes of a conversation past and i was in the room as you said it.  maybe we were friends, maybe we are.  i can't possibly understand what it was like to be you, to know you or be your friend.  where-ever you are, i do think about you and thank you.  (did any one ever just thank you?)

  

07.07.13 (a retrospect)

You are tired,

(I think)
Of the always puzzle of living and doing;
And so am I.

Come with me, then,
And we'll leave it far and far away—
(Only you and I, understand!)

You have played,
(I think)
And broke the toys you were fondest of,
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break, and—
Just tired.
So am I.

But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight,
And knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart—
Open to me!
For I will show you the places Nobody knows,
And, if you like,
The perfect places of Sleep.

Ah, come with me!
I'll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon,
That floats forever and a day;
I'll sing you the jacinth song
Of the probable stars;
I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream,
Until I find the Only Flower,
Which shall keep (I think) your little heart
While the moon comes out of the sea.

e.e. cummings

i'm not all too certain if you and i are the only two with an escape plan; though i do believe we have it for the same reason that [they] do not understand ours.  you used to say:  montana.  i'm moving to montana to become a gas attendant.  you can become a waitress and i'll read hemingway while you read kerouac.

we always talk about that escape plan - don't we?, but it's never together (you and me).  so seldom do we (the independent you and the independent me) do anything with other people and feel as though we are with them.  most of the time we feel alone.  our own solitary confinement i suppose (who needs a prison when you already have one).  i'd say let's try something together - but the idea of you saying "no" is enough for me to not ask and find joy in knowing you exist.

i've found my peace, my happiness.  a sort of contentment with the universe.  (you want to mess with me, cool.  but, know this:  i will fight back with a fierce force that only God provides those who want to love...  and i want to love.)  

so....    i will find that flower (for you), and will always pray for both our hearts to be happy - in the ways that only they may be.

07.05.13

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth.” 
― Jess C. Scott, The Intern

There is an echo in your voice I can not reach.  I see you, I know you, but there is a space between that -no matter how strong my faith- I fear you do not wish me to cover.  So, I will wait.  Patiently wait.  And even if never is as close to you as I get, I will still hold to faith and hope - because this is what we do for love.  We survive.  We build.  We hope and we forgive.  We wait and in waiting serve the world around us...  because love requires actions and not words.  Words are lovely - like the petting of hair or a soft blink - but what LOVE requires is fierce devotion.  The bold hug that hearts beat through skin, the breath lost with a simple hand hold, the knowing sacrifice of time and energy and no thought other than:  can I do more for you.

The way you say my name sounds different...  and from the moment I met you I knew:  we are eternal.

06.29.13

Like everybody who is not in love, he thought one chose the person to be loved after endless deliberations and on the basis of particular qualities or advantages.
Marcel Proust 



I often wonder who the Sun would be if it were a person - could it be a person?  Would we, could we, appreciate it, understand it?  or the Moon?

Also, I wonder about people and how they love and how that is as much a mystery to me as is gravity (it's still a theory after all, and the proofs relative).  Like the formula for light and he could so easily read, and for me it is another language, but I don't care because the language I want to speak is that of love (more than French or Latin).  There is no thought in it [love] - it is a divine knowing, and I want to know it.  I don't want to know that it is "right" for me, or if it "whole" or "pure" or whatever else the world has decided fits into a criterion of some rules...  rules...  and then more rules.  I want to clear myself to the point of being about to see with a vision not of my own but divine (and yes, with my own eyes --  i know...  it sounds like a contradiction, but its not.  not really).  I want to see him, and him see me and we just know that together the world will be brighter, and that together we will build a home that all are welcome into, and that together we will be better singles and that together we will be a better one...

i want to sit across for you, with you open and unveiled.  i want you to be able to hear me when i say:  love.  only love.  I want to watch you melt into the everything you are, and then become one with the sun and then moon, illuminating the world and reflecting in my eyes the truth I have always known and the mystery I can never understand:  love.

only love.

06.27.13

Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.
Carl Jung 



I could pretend that my life is super great and perfect - but, I would be pretending.  My life is...  complex (so many details that are not clear to me) and simple (not easy, but simple).  It is also my life.  I own it.  Even though sometimes I feel as though my heart has lept out of my chest and I am alone wandering for it...my own version of Layli and Majnun - in search of a deeper faith than already exists, one that burns me away (maybe that is why I have such a love and appreciation for moths).

My life is happy.  I am happy.  It is a deep flowing river that saves me and washes me, and at times drowns the parts of me that need to be washed away...

(Paraphrased)
Her:  You are not dark.
Me:  No, I know.  But, I am attracted to it...  like I can't fully let go of the parts of me that are.
Her:  You are not dark...  you are not dark.
Me:  Maybe.  But, then, why him?  Why did I love him, and then ...
Her:  You are growing and before it got too dangerous, you let him go.  You let it go because you saw it, and it didn't consume you.  
(I see it in her eyes...  a profound personal and universal love, affection and stunning care.  I can't say that this is why I love her...I don't think I have a choice in the matter anymore.  She is family (above and beyond the meaning of family), she is friend (among the truest I have ever witnessed), she is a breath when I haven't breathed, she knows why my hand goes to my chest for affirmation (I never had to tell her why - she knows), she is some one I would (without thought) dive into hell for to save (not that I would need to).
Me:  Yeah, maybe.
Her:  You're stronger than you think.
Me:  Only because I have to be.
Her:  This time it was for you.  That means more than you know.

Patience and equanimity...  yes.  I want that.  I want many things, but let's start with that, now.

06.26.13

"nothing i want to say has words in it
but we're back here again anyway. the habit of things.
gravity. addiction."  
~him

a short letter (that i'll never send):

we have a way with words, don't we?  some(most)times i pretend i don't know much, but somehow i end up writing the contracts and the policies and the....  but that's not the kind of writing we like, is it?  we?  oh - i'm not third personing it.  i am thinking about us - remember?  you and me and whomever we chose to include.  a whim?  no, it was more than that.  they never really spent the time to know you - see past your charm.  i never saw it (the charm i mean).  and you never cared that i was always angry...  maybe you liked that?

i'm breaking the habit.  she said she saw it in me, tonight.  that made me feel like i was flying...  we talked about you for a minute.  she misses you, but not more that us (me and the other her).  you'll come visit soon.  i know you will.  you'll make everyone laugh with your wit and charm, and when you are tired you'll call me and we'll sit on the hard wood floors of some room in some house (maybe hers, because she likes us.) and we will drink tea and sit quietly - like we do.  and she'll sit there too, quietly, taking us in.  and we'll crack a joke and she'll laugh.  and we'll feel like the children we never really were, or maybe the ones we want...  and the stillness will be what saves us.  that effortless joy that comes with just a cup of tea and quiet and hope that tomorrow's sun with burn away yesterday's dark.

you have a way with words, don't you?  a part of me thinks that this works because i can keep up without caring so much; and because i care so much - enough to stay still (for you).  

06.19.13

there was a dream i had, years and years ago, that became a memory.  it has been one of the most visceral experiences of my life.  using words i know:  i was in a city familiar to me (but not real) and i know/knew the some of the people.  refined, intelligent, loving and beautiful people.  the colors were bright and vivid, i could smell sweet flowers and breads and life.  i could smell the life, and then the fear.  a great fear started to sweep over the people, and they were running inside and locking their doors and i kept asking:  "what is happening?"  no one really answered me, other than the echo of "the beast is coming"

i became frightened as well, but i can't tell you if it was my own fear or the acceptance of theirs.  but i decided that i wanted to see what they were all so afraid of.  the brightness went away, the sweet smells went away, and replaced by nothing.  there were shadows with no true light, and that is when i saw it.  a massive shadowy beast.  i didn't run, i walked towards it.  locked eyes with it.  and we spoke without words; and, i walked close enough to pet it (touch its face).  it was rough and soft and coarse and smooth.  in words that i don't know if i can really translate, i told it:  you are beautiful / you are not the ugly one.  it heard me.  it bowed in response.  i told it:  "let's go home."  the road we were on presented a door (more like a wooden gate) and with a touch i opened it.  before us opened a beautiful valley.  something so honest, i knew this was our way home.

i turned to the beast and told it:  "we don't belong here.  let's go."   (i can not explain the sense of peace and simultaneous longing i felt in that moment, i was leaving a place i had known with a beast that everyone feared - but i was happy and i trusted).  when we passed through the gate - the world behind us disappeared and the beast's behavior turned into what i may describe as a puppy - pure unconditional love.

i suppose that's what it all is about:  pure unconditional love....  

06.12.13

“Because, if you could love someone, and keep loving them, without being loved back . . . then that love had to be real. It hurt too much to be anything else.” 

― Sarah Cross, Kill Me Softly

after an exercise he says:  so, does he know that you are in love with him?

me:  no.

him:  will you ever tell him?

me:  no.

him:  because you love him that much?

me:  yes.

him:  you'd die for this love?

me:  i have.

him:  time and time again...  that kind of love; poets write about that kind of love.

me:  **silence**

him:  you need to tell him.

me:  no, i don't.  loving him is enough for me.  i don't need the veil of telling him.  (“Love is a veil betwixt the lover and the beloved.”  - Baha’u'llah).  

him:  then, how will he know.

me:  what makes you think he doesn't...

somethings are better left silent, so that in the light of it all they don't burn away...  but then again, i tend to empathize with moths.  

06.07.13

“I wonder why I don't go to bed and go to sleep. But then it would be tomorrow, so I decide that no matter how tired, no matter how incoherent I am, I can skip one hour more of sleep and live.” 
― Sylvia Plath

Last night, I dreamt you announced your engagement.  Typically good news, right?  For me, it made it easier to walk away from you.  Not because of the announcement, but because of what led up to it.

Our dreams are funny creatures, not always of the soul - sometimes dialogues (maybe even arguments) of the soul and mind and heart...

My lesson learned from this last night had nothing to do with you - but that I plan on sleeping more consistently so that I may live more, give more, love more...  and on those nights when dreams like that come - not sleep to dream.

05.12.13

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UxxajLWwzqY


my growing sentiment.  not apathy - just can't be delayed.

04.18.13

"Why do you think the old stories tell of men who set out on great journeys to impress the gods? Because trying to impress people just isn't worth the time and effort."
Henry Rollins

Text of the day (paraphrased)  
Me:  How wonderful would it be to be happy without disappointing others...  
Him:  I don't care about disappointing others, I just want to be happy.

And then I read the above quote and am reminded, deeply, we need to focus on the greater tale.  We need to focus on the bigger picture and truer story.  Wealth is not found in money, just as beauty is not found in the physical...  these are illusions.  

Time to wear the reality ring and go.

04.02.13

"At the point where I'm trying to force something and it's not happening, and I'm getting frustrated with, say, writing a poem, I can go and pick up the brushes and start painting.  At the point where the painting seems to not be going anywhere, I go and pick up the guitar."  -  Joni Mitchell


Stay in action, let it out and let it go...  be free to the creative flows of life - that is what it all about (for me at least).

I could sit in the frustration of lack, or (and BETTER yet) run into the light of abundance.  I choose the latter.

04.01.13

"A person isn't who they are during the last conversation you had with them - they're who they've been throughout your whole relationship..."
Rainer Maria Rilke

One of the most touching and frightening things anyone has ever said to me is:  "You know me."

Where does one go with that thought?  Do we take this to mean in the whole, in the moment or in the future?

In looking at this inventory - who I am changes, though my core integrity remains...  but relationships change.  We must alway being taking constant inventory:  what was here, what is here and what needs to be here.  These are muscles we need to develop.

I started working out these muscles again a couple of weeks ago and am slowing getting back into the universal rhythm of it.  The effort is worth it.

There will be pain with growth - but every day it will be better.

03.29.13

"There is no better than adversity.  Every defeat, every heart break, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time."
Malcolm X

With some things, I really wish there were no "next time".  Until then - time to suck it up champ,  shoulder in it and go.

Go hard, or go ...  away.

Universe - if it ain't epic, I don't want it.

03.15.13

the quote is the song:

Ides of March...
I don't really know if I believe in fate, but I accept its concept and premise.

Last night I breathed to the universe a hope, a wish for clarity - for confirmation.  Today, I got it in the form of a song from one of my dearest friends and sister.  It wasn't the song per se, but they way she shared it (and yeah, the song is pretty amazing too).

The signs we ask for are not always complex nor clear, and in a round about way may come to us.  This was not a direct answer but I saw it, mostly because I felt it.

We have to be willing to ask the hard questions, and accept the answers that come.  

03.13.13

"Don't spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door."
Coco Chanel

Perhaps this is true of ourselves as well.  If patience is not your strong suit, then why beat yourself up - find another way.  I am learning (relearning) this now.

Love.  Give love, accept love, don't be afraid of love, and be terrified of it - it's all wonderful.  Just - love.

03.07.13 - no quote, just heart

i am fasting, from food.  what i miss, however, are my two tea buddies (and i say this lightly, only because to say it the way i feel it draws my heart up into my throat and out my eyes).  i know how each sips their tea...  mar doesn't take it with as much sugar as she used too (and we are all happy about that) and q will always blow on his tea ever so slightly and sip it as if it were gold (and it is, if steeped correctly).  these two people are gems in this universe, and my soul is profoundly better from knowing them.  my heart has grown from knowing them and them having showered their love on me.  

there is no quote here...  except for maybe something q likes to say:  our souls are friends.

i would one up that:  our souls have become family.

03.01.13

"It's not vanity to feel you have a right to be beautiful.  Women are taught to feel we're not good enough, that we must live up to someone else's standards.  But my aim is to cherish myself as I am."
Elle Macpherson

Tomorrow begins the Bahai month of fasting.  Tomorrow I will dive into the deep end of cherishing myself, finding value in myself, being true to who that is and manifesting it.

02.27.13

"We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all."
Eleanor Roosevelt


On a flight, recently, I fell asleep.  I had a pleasant dream, that quickly turned into something else.  My sincere apologizes to the lady seated next to me (6B) on flight 5 of Alaska Airlines - for I woke up startled and tried my best to recover quickly.

What I find fascinating about dreams is how deeply we are allowed to reveal ourself to ourself, if we are open to in.  In this dream I realized something about myself:  I have come a long way, I have clean house pretty impressively, and I have placed some heavy locks on the door of that home.  I have not yet decided if this a good thing or not - in the dream it was not.  Maybe it was a question being asked?  Maybe showing the outcome of not being more vulnerable to the universe?

Either way - what I choose to focus on is finding the courage to care, and then care more.  I am terrified, but what is life without a little risk?

02.24.13

"The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living."
Marcus Tullius Cicero

The fine line between life and death is startlingly thin.  Our misunderstanding of time remarkably deep. Our misuse of relationships terribly sad; and our unknowing of ourselves leaves us all naked.

To love in a life this challenging, and to leave a legacy of love, is my deepest hope.  One of my greatest fears, to not know such a love in my own life, but hope allows me to temper this fear so that I may continue in this path.  To grow.  To always hold true to this conviction that I have made and live within the integrity I wear.

To leave a mark, not out of ego - to be touched, not out of loneliness - to touch, to let people know they are not alone - to rid myself of ego, so to wash away the marks bruising this world...

02.14.13

"I do tend to like people who have a strong sense of self, because, I find that it's almost impossible to really love or relate to someone else if you can't first love and relate to yourself."  Ezra Miller

I like strong characters (not to be confused with opinionated, condescending or mean people), and for this reason this quote resonates.  It reminds me that it is okay to be myself and not fit into a societal model or someone else's expectations; and, if I am fortunate, I will be blessed with people who are accepting of me, because they are accepting of themselves.  Call yourself conservative, liberal, religious, spiritual, blah blah blah - but if you are not accepting, then there is a degree of fear within you (and to a degree that is totally healthy).  

For me, in this moment, I am wanting to provide that strength to those around me.  I will love, provide it in the forms that I know how and learn new ways... life is too short to get hung up on the illusions we create or that are shoved onto us.  Find happiness - and relate more.

02.09.13

‎"I have always thought the actions of men the best interpreters of their thoughts." - John Locke

Is it enough to think of love, think with love?  It is enough to think about someone you love?  In an age where we behave as though the structure of time and effort and energies and responsibilities have changed. I really can not help but to wonder:  Has time changed, or is it our appreciation of relationships and social responsibility?  So...  how is this for a challenge:  find ways to manage our time, cut out the fat, and make time for the important things and do.  Stop thinking and start doing.

02.07.13

"When I say, 'I love you,' it's not because I want you or because I can't have you.  It has nothing to do with me.  I love what you are, what you do, how you try.  I've seen you kindness and your strength.  I've seen the best and the worst of you.  And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are.  You're a hell of a [person]"  -  Joss Whedon (Spike to Buffy)

There are only a few people I could fairly share that quote with, and I sincerely count that as a blessing.  Last night I got an epic text - whose subtext was simple:  I love you, I miss you...why are we so far apart.

To love for the sake of loving - what a wonderful thing.  To love without expectation, to give off freely the light of love knowing that it will never run out...  that is the kind of love I want to embody and give to those around me.  (and to one day have found that man in whose eyes those sentiments will be felt, even if the words can not surface through my lips)

02.04.13

O SON OF BEING! Love Me, that I may love thee. If thou lovest Me not, My love can in no wise reach thee. Know this, O servant.  ~  Baha'u'llah

Love is.  Love is strength and courage and hope and ....  the fuel of life.  It is simple and complex in one breath.  It opens doors and terrifies us to open more, and the ever present paradox:  give more of it and your heart will grow in capacity, and the more you fill it with love fear will have to find a new home.

...  I pause for now; just wanted to share this thought mid-blessing-counting.

01.31.13

"Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time."  -  Maya Angelou

Yes.  Heart breaks remind us that we are living, and frankly I can't help but to smile through it.  Given the option - I will choose love every time.

01.29.13

"Faith, mighty faith, the promise sees, and looks to God alone; laughs at impossibilities, and cries it shall be done."
Charles Wesley


The fastest way to break a promise is to stop caring; and the surest way to keep it is to stay in the light of it.  Abdu'l-Baha (a central figure in the Bahai Faith) stated "As ye have faith so shall your powers and blessings be."  I used to confuse doubt as the polar of faith, the way many do with courage and fear.  I don't want to share my inner dialogue here, but sometimes we do need to hold to the understanding (and even hope) that Faith will also guide our doubts and fears so that we may come into the light.  To trust our instincts and the nature of love, rather than that of social pretense and niceties   It requires everything of us so that we may feel all of it in its fullest.  To empty ourselves of self and to be able to stand before all and state:  BE.  And, it will be.

01.27.13

"My favorite things in life don't cost any money.  It's really clear that the most precious resource we all have is time."  - Steve Jobs

Early one morning it hit me how much I love my bed, the top sheet messy under the comforter and how one end is tucked in while the other loose.  it got me to thinking about some favorite things, like:  the look in someone's eyes when they are filled with love and light (and you feel your eyes emanating that same love and light) when you connect, or that first lick of soft chilled ice cream on that hot summer day (even though I don't do dairy anymore, I remember that feeling and still say prayers for the inventors of ice cream, gelato, sorbet, etc), or that moment you see someone and you know:  our souls ARE friends...we just now have caught up to what they have known all along.

So, here is to favorite things...  and may we all have time for the people and things we love.

01.16.13

"Keep your face to the sunshine and you can not see a shadow."  ~  Helen Keller

Once trust is injured and confidence tarnished it is hard to come back.  So the relationship must need to shift into something new in order to rebuild, or the hard choice of letting go.  And, sometimes, what we need to determine is to what degree have we been truly injured (and was it of our own doing).

With that thought, I am back to chasing the sun and allowing it to burn away the doubts and hesitations and while at times it may sting...this cleansing is long overdue.